In this episode I talk about why we set goals, how we fail and what we can do to keep our resolutions. Setting and achieving goals is so important in our human experience. Listen in to learn what to do and not do.
You're listening to the modern Mormon, Episode 20. Hey there, I'm kami Satterlee. And I'm the modern Mormon. I'm an Advanced Certified Life coach who's dropped the all or nothing approach to life, and religion. I can't wait to show you how. I've got you, girl. Let's go Hello, beautiful souls. It's December 30. And we made it hallelujah, I didn't even know if I was gonna make it through this year. It wasn't my best. But it was such a good year for learning and for growth. And I'm super pumped about next year, I know it's going to be incredible. And so today we are talking about naturally making and keeping resolutions. Some of you get super excited about hearing that you love the new year you love just a fresh start. And some of you get anxiety like, ah, the expectations of myself. Here I go again. So hopefully today, I can help alleviate any fears you have, and get you moving forward and excited and focused for the new year. So I want you to think about your goals for next year, whether that's read a book once a week workout four times per week, lose 20 pounds, make 100k in your business, learn to cook, that would be a huge goal for me, one that I most likely will never want to do because cooking is just not my jam. But I want you to think about your goal. And if you haven't chose one yet, you know, think about things that you've always wanted to do things that you thought were completely impossible or something just out of the ordinary. And I want you to think about how you would feel once that goal was completed. Typically, when we go into the new year, we go in with kind of expectations, it's not so much a goal that we are hitting for certain reason. It's more of the fact that we have a scarcity mindset about something about ourselves personally. And we feel that we need to hit this goal. So we fantasize about how amazing the school is going to feel when we complete it, we become overcome, basically by the idea that our life would be so much better. And we would be better as a human if we hit this goal. And then what we do is we get really fixated on this fantasy of it. And it becomes complete lust over this Goal, goal lust, that's what I call it. So when you're in this headspace, you want the outcome of the goal to create these feelings in you this fantasy land, this provides a dopamine hit to your brain, and it gets you really pumped and really excited. So we actually spend a lot of time mentally in this fantasy land, thinking about the outcome and what it will do for us once we actually achieve this goal. So as you know, from what I've taught you, our goals or our results in life, they do not create our emotions, our circumstances do not create our emotions only our thoughts do. So when we're imagining this result coming from an external change, an external circumstance, it's where we believe that once this happens, all will be right in the world, we forget that it takes an internal change of our mind to create that external. And so instead of actually planning for the school, instead of taking the time to really focus in on what we currently think about the book, the goal, our thoughts about the outcome, our thoughts about, you know, the obstacles that we will have to overcome the strategies and, and trying to actually plan for the goal. We're spending all of our time fantasizing about how amazing it's going to feel to finally be this different person. So by the time that we actually plan for this goal, we do it from an irrational mindset. And through a perfectionist type of mindset, we have perfectionist ideas, like oh, if I can just do this, this and this, it'll work out, right. So take for instance, weight loss. This is a typical goal for January for most people, we just think, Oh, I just have to eat this. And I just have to do this. And I'll be just fine. We don't plan for our lower brain that's going to tell us girlfriend, that cupcake is way more exciting. And it's going to provide you way much more comfort than the end goal. Okay, we don't plan on those things. And so what happens is we get going, we get going and and we quit, right? Typically, we quit our New Year's resolutions. And that's because we didn't plan intentionally, we planned with temporary motivation and willpower. We planned as a perfectionist with our fingers crossed that this time would be different. This time, we're more motivated. We failed so many times we failed enough times that our brain wants it more now. And so we can push through anything right? I've done this so many times with so many different goals. And it's because that fantasyland just feels so good. That feeling of motivation coming from something external. It is just almost more powerful, I would say then the internal motivation that we create ourselves, but the difference is is the internal motivation. The thoughts that We are capable of doing this, that we're gonna stay committed to ourselves. Those might not feel as much of a high as, say, you know, scrolling Instagram and looking at fitness models and being like, okay, here I go, but they are the ones that are going to sustain you in the process. So when we go to start our goals, we usually feel super motivated. But when we stop and truly have awareness about our brain and realize that there's an hidden underlining thoughts of something like, you know, you're gonna fail again, this one feels super small in the beginning, because the motivation is so intense, it's so much bigger than that tiny thought. But surprisingly, this little thought that we think is in the back of our brain is actually the biggest, most catastrophic thought. It's bigger than any other thought. But it likes to pretend that it's small. It's the thought that slowly grows as you start your goal. And every doubt you have about your goal, it just gets bigger and bigger. And it feeds off those tiny little doubts, until it completely takes over. And you absolutely quit, with this thought being so overpowering in your brain. So by the time you quit, this thought is basically just screaming at you. I told you, so you'll never amount to anything. Why do you even try, everyone is better than you? Seriously, you couldn't even make it a month. And then your brain will start to make up excuses for why it didn't work out right things like, Oh, I just couldn't stay focused. I, other things came in my way, I had too many kids running around, and I had to take care of them. And because we don't want to feel that we're not good enough. Even though deep down we do, we want to put blame on something else. Because remember, shame and blame go hand in hand. But these excuses are what then propel us to, you know, reach out and look for more external motivation, because we got to try it again. So then we're just in this, you know, repeated cycle of setting goals, failing, making it mean we suck, try it again, set goals fail, we suck. Instead of set goals, maybe make a few mistakes, don't consider it a full fail, and just keep going, keep going. Okay, that is the goal here, the actual goal. Because when it comes to goal setting, what we are really after is an emotion, we think we will feel a certain way. As soon as that goal is complete, we think suddenly, we won't beat ourselves up. And we won't feel that we aren't good enough, and our relationship will be better. And we'll have more money. And all these things that are external, we think are what are going to actually bring us the emotion that we are craving inside. And the hardest part about this process is it's the complete opposite. We need to understand that none of those things will provide us with our feelings. Only our thoughts provide us with our feelings. And because of that, it is optional, to feel all the things that we are wanting to feel, we can feel that right now without even having to go hit that goal. And if we can truly get to that place and feel those emotions now about ourselves and our life, and our relationships, and the amount of money we have, and everything that is what is going to actually fuel us in order to achieve those goals. That is the thing. That is the true deep down motivation that's going to propel you to take the action in order to hit the results. You know, I always loved goal setting, even as a kid. And now that I'm a coach, I think the reason I love it is because I love the motivation, and the excitement and the creative thoughts that come during goal setting time. They feel so much better than the main thoughts that I always am telling myself like kind of the rest of the year, as women and especially as women of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. If you are a member, you will probably feel me on this. But we are taught that in this life. It's a time to prepare to meet God. And it is. But we take that word prepare as women and we use it against ourselves. We forget that it's all about the journey, that whole line upon line thing. And the whole reason that we do any of this is that we're supposed to learn a little of things and gain wisdom. And then we take action from a place of Oh, I love me now. And I'm becoming a person I desire and God is proud of me. But we focus so much on being that perfect future self. We focus so much on that end result that we forget that the journey is not full of perfectionism. The journey is full of failures, transitions, heartache, mistakes, all of the all the negative emotions that we're trying to avoid. That is the whole point. So you can't learn from hitting all your goals you learn from failing. But for some reason we forget that part. And when we have a struggle that hits us, we add a layer of negativity to that struggle, which then stops us from progressing. Okay, guys, so I have this thing about the adversary, Satan, if you will. It's like I believe in him because I can see like true wickedness throughout the world. But I have a really hard time picturing him and a form of a man or picturing him like putting these wild thoughts in my head or making you try fell off the righteous path, right? I don't like talking about it, because it really makes me uncomfortable. So obviously, there's some work to be done there. But I think growing up, the way that he was portrayed was that he will put these ideas in your head. And if you aren't strong enough, you're going to fold. So spirituality became a thing I had to do. So I didn't go to hell. It was terrifying to me. And it was not authentic. I believe this is why I never truly had a relationship with my savior. It was because my focus was always on the guilt and the shame, and then that I would never measure up, which ironically, would be the adversary, right. So when I see women at the church, they perform a lot differently than women of other faiths, or just women in general, like outside of the church. And growing up, I could see these things, but I couldn't really put my finger on it. And now that I'm a coach, I can kind of see what exactly is going on here. So women that are within the church, they're nonstop serving their family, their friends, the members of their ward. On the outside, they usually look very put together, their kids are usually involved in many things and have many talents. But I also noticed there is a deeper sadness within them. And this could just be my own judgments. But this is truly what I believe so they look exhausted, and exhausted from the grind. I believe it is caused from the shame and guilt that we put on ourselves when we cannot be perfect. This is a byproduct of the culture and the way things are taught when we are young girls, it's kind of the verbiage used to describe the planet of happiness. And some of these beautiful women, they want nothing more than to be Christ like and loving. And they truly are probably some of the greatest women I have ever seen in my life because of how selfless they are. But selfless at a cost. That darkness when they don't measure up to what they make it mean about themselves, when they make a mistake, that is the part of them that causes that heaviness. And this is why I decided to coach women affiliated with this faith, whether active, inactive, left the church, whatever, we all still had the same social structures of growing up and hearing these things and how it shaped and formed us regardless of who we are now. So I get you like inside and out whether you're currently a member or not, there's a part of you that will always have this until you do the work to deconstruct it. Amazingly enough, I did not realize how much of the doctrine I did not fully understand. Because my brain wouldn't allow it. I was so focused on my shame and the actions I needed to take that I never understood that the thought behind all of this is what truly mattered. If our thoughts create our feelings, which drive our actions to get us the results, and a result of becoming more Christlike than the thought is the thing we need to focus on, not the action. And this is why other churches get so frustrated with Mormons is they think you guys think that you have to earn your way to heaven, right? Which truly, we don't, unfortunately, our actions kind of prove otherwise. And those actions are being fueled by culture and by things that people say, and shame and all of that. But deep down, we know that there's nothing that we could do or couldn't do to earn our worth. However, when it comes to the things that I teach, I also know that knowledge without action is nothing. Right? So in order for us to truly believe in Christ, and believe what He did for us, we take action on that. That is what helps our thoughts grow and our true belief grow. And this actually means a lot to me, because while I was going to the Christian church with my husband, I felt like yeah, I believe this is great. But I would come home after Sunday, and I would do nothing about it. Every week, every week I would do this, there was no action that was being taken. And then usually throughout the week, I would just kind of say, Screw it, and do whatever I wanted, my behaviors didn't change, nothing really changed. And some of you might say, Well, you didn't truly believe it. But how would you know that? Right, it's in your heart. And I think within my heart, I did. But it's that whole thing. When you believe something, you then take action on it. That is what gets you the result. And the result is not to be perfect. The result is not to you know, when God's love we already have that the result is to become the best version of ourselves that we possibly can. And in doing so we grow our relationship with Jesus Christ. So back to my story, every action I was taking to be this good girl in the church growing up was driven by a thought that I wasn't good enough. When we go to set our goals, we need to set them from a place of understanding that we are already worthy, and we're already good enough in God's eyes. So in order to truly understand this, we need to look at the present moment where we currently are in life and the choices we're making on them and with everything and take accountability for them. Tell Ourselves I love me just as I am. The Lord said if he loved me keep my commandments. He did not say I only love you if you keep my commandments. What this tells me is when you keep the commandments from a place of I am worthy, I might make mistakes, but I am worthy just as I am, you do it because you truly want to not because you're trying to earn any type of love, or earn a place in heaven. Your love for God will be a byproduct of keeping His commandments, but only if you keep them from a place or a thought that is motivating, empowering, and accepting and loving. If you're keeping commandments from obligation, fear, people pleasing, this will create nothing but resentment and fear and guilt and shame, and nonstop thoughts of why can't I get this figured out. And it's very kind of camouflage, especially within our church, to understand that you are resenting God, because you will feel like you don't resent him because you're taught to love him, right. So I did not realize that I resented God, I did not realize I was acting out of fear and guilt growing up. It wasn't until I truly let go of my relationship with him and everything within the church that I felt such a relief, my brain told me that relief was because he wasn't really there. And he didn't really love me. And that felt amazing in the moment. And then everything kind of doesn't feel as heavy anymore. The church wasn't true. And everything in it was in a way to control humans. And that's what I told myself. It wasn't until I started to build my confidence in who I was, and then felt ready to seek out spirituality, my desire for all of it was coming from a place of, I'm already great. I already know who I am. I don't necessarily need God, but I am curious to know what he can possibly bring to my life. It was very open, and not from a place that I need to be better. And I need God to fix me. The Doctrine I was learning was the exact same that I had learned growing up. However, the thought that was motivating me to desire the spirituality was different. I was very happy and content with a person I, you know, was and it made me relax and gain wisdom that I had never before knew. So you should see my face when I read the scriptures now, like I'll be reading, for example, like the life of Jesus, and I will instantly look up with a huge o face and say, Oh, my gosh, are you kidding me? I had no idea this happened. And it's just like that quote that the world changes when you change the way you see the world, right? That's exactly what happened for me. And the doctrine in the Church of Jesus Christ is the same thing that will happen for you with your heart's desires and your goals for 2022. So if your goal is to make more money, for example, and you start off believing, you already have enough, everything's good, you're happy, and this is going to be fun, then the actions you take will be fueled from excitement, empowerment. And just, I can't wait to see what I can do. And you will not take action unless it's something that is truly fun and motivating for you. So you're not going to be doing things that are not in line with who you are, you're going to be very focused in your goal, and you're going to be very focused with the steps that you take. Versus if we're doing it from a place of I need to be better, we're going to try everything. And we're gonna say a lot of I don't know how to do this. And then we're going to watch and consume a lot of videos on how somebody else did it without actually implementing thing, you know, implementing those steps. And what that goes to show again, like I said, in the beginning is you are still in that goal lust you are craving, the emotion that you will feel once you hit it. So coming from these positive emotions, for making money, you will blow your own mind at your capabilities when you feel yourself with confidence and true self love. And you will be blown away by the end of the year of how much more money you have made by being intentional. And by building yourself up versus tearing yourself down in the process of this goal. So also, if you have a goal, say, of having a deeper connection in your marriage, start with thinking things like I'm the perfect person to be married to my spouse. Imagine the confidence that that gives you in your interactions with your spouse. But more importantly, imagine the confidence that brings you in your interaction with yourself. So I was working with a client and she really struggled with her sexuality. Of course, I think this is also a byproduct of being raised LDS when we're taught, you know, wait till marriage wait till marriage and also, you know that it's wrong to have sex before marriage. And so by the time we actually have sex, it can still it can kind of feel like we're doing something wrong and out of character. Anyway, that's a whole nother topic. But this is her struggle. And she started her goal off with thoughts like I own my sexuality. It made her feel empowered. So when she would explore different options during sex, she would feel kind of like embarrassed, and she would feel that start to creep in. So we worked on redirecting her brain to owning her sexuality every time that this would come up, and things like what if my husband is going to think something terrible about me? This is wrong. I'm so embarrassed. I don't know what I'm doing. My body looks terrible. I don't want them to see that. Okay, she had a lot coming up. But this awareness and this thought alone allowed her to show up intentionally in her sex life. And from a place of girl, you're okay, your body's Okay. Your thoughts are okay, even the bad ones. And everything in this moment is 100%. Okay. And because of that she was able to relax and stop fighting against herself, and just enjoy herself. And I can't even tell you the smile that this girl had, each session was the absolute best. I loved coming to these sessions, because watching her become this super confident, empowered and strong woman was so fun to witness. What I love so much about this was that she built her confidence in her sex life. But she was able to connect on such a deeper level with her husband. But more importantly, she was able to kind of distance herself from her limiting thoughts about herself, and what she was in control of in her life, that no matter what the circumstances were, she had the power to create anything she wanted. So her self confidence rose drastically. And then she was unstoppable. In some of these other areas of her life, she realized that she was getting more done in the day, and she was being like less cranky towards her kids. And this is why I love this work so much. So once we understand the brain, and once we accept the good and the bad within ourselves and in our lives, we're able to create what we really want in our hearts. And then it's fueled from a desire for wisdom and a desire for creating. And what else can I do, it's not from a need to do this, or else I'm not good enough. I just made a real on my Instagram page. And I kind of showcase my body in a size small pair of leggings. And I am not a size small. Like even in the times when I've lost a lot of weight. I just feel like my hips after having kids, they're just a little bit wider. And it's taken me a lot of years to really be okay with that, and not strive to change my figure and my shape necessarily, because I actually couldn't in that way. But anyway, so I was in a small pair of leggings. But I had some bulges coming out and it was kind of pulling up my skin. It wasn't very flattering. And the first picture and the second picture, it's a little bit more smooth, right. So what people thought they were looking at was a before and after picture of weight loss. But at the end of my comment, I said, I bought a bigger size. So I made it kind of funny, but also, I made it because some women and myself included, I did not realize this was an option A while ago, we're striving to lose weight as a New Year's resolution in hopes of being attractive in hopes of fitting into a size too. And feeling like we're enough and we're in control of our lives. And we can tackle this one area, right? It's all Bs, and it's exhausting work. You know, it's fun owning your body. I used to look at people who said I love my curves. I was like no, you don't. You just love to say that and try and help ease the negative emotion that you feel about your body. Owning and loving yourself as you are at this moment not only did not seem like an option to me, but it felt fake. That's the difference between throwing out positive affirmations in the mirror every day or truly loving yourself. By breaking down your current thoughts about your body and building new thoughts that come from truths and real self love. Today, you will never see me post a real before and after of my body. And not because I don't think it's helpful and motivating. But because the body is just a circumstance, my body does not determine my greatness or my self love. My body does not make me confident or insecure. To me, my body is just an outward result of what's going on internally. The internal work is the part that I want to focus on. So it's the one I want to write the before and afters about my body to me is a good gauge of work that is being done or that you know has potential to be done and to grow from. So if I gain weight, I know that I'm not managing my brain. I know that I'm probably not loving myself, or accepting myself the way that I truly want to be. My body is just a light bulb for my brain. My goals for my body come from I wonder if I could commit to four days a week of moving my body. I wonder if I could build five pounds of muscle. It's never I need to lose 10 pounds to be attractive. Now do I noticed my brain sometimes going to thoughts like that? And wondering if I would be better if I lost weight? Or if I would be better if I look like this or that and yeah, all the time. Like of course I am a human being. But I just know how to redirect my brain now when this happens to oh, hey girl, I see what you're doing there. What are you needing in your life right now? What are you not getting enough of what do you not giving yourself? I asked questions like that to really understand and find the cause of the weight gain cause of the unhealthy eating cause of the buffering cause of the lack of moving my body. It is all because of what is going on in your brain. This has taken me years of work to get to a place mentally that is really healthy. And this work is not easy. It is hard. But the results you get from this work create unstoppable results in your life. I want to help you reach your goals this year. If I can do this work, anybody can do this work. I know you're capable of doing it. The hardest part is committing to yourself. My coaching program starts in January and it goes for four months. It's just once a week. But I want you to imagine who you could become at the end of those four months. Imagine how that would propel you the rest of the year in reaching your goals that you so badly desire. This could be the year you stop breaking promises to yourself. Are you guys ready? I want you to log on to my Instagram, check it out and send me a message on Instagram. Let's just help take that first step for you. So that this year in 2022, you won't just make resolutions you will keep them if you're ready to drop the all or nothing in your life than I would be honored to be your life coach. Head over to the modern mormon.com To start your journey in becoming the confident authentic and best version of you