When we stop fighting against our circumstances and simply let go & surrender or accept our worry then the level of intensity that emotion is giving us will relax and slow down. Worry is not necessary, but it is something we can allow space for.
You're listening to the modern Mormon, Episode 18.Hey there, I'm kami Satterlee.And I'm the modern Mormon.I'm an Advanced Certified Life coach who's dropped the all or nothing approach to life, and religion. I can't wait to show you how. I've got you, girl.Let's go.Hello, beautiful souls. How are you guys doing today? It is the first snowfall here in Boise.And it doesn't seem to stick very often in Boise. But it is so exciting just to see it,especially for December, I am so excited and pray for a white Christmas. Before I begin our topic today, I want to let you all know that my coaching program modern Mormon coaching is beginning again in January, I would love to see you there. It is four months of coaching. And this is such a great opportunity to start the new year new resolutions and just kind of becoming the, you know, the new you the best self that you can possibly be. So if you are interested in that, please go to my Instagram, and check it out the link in my bio and send me a message. Let's get you signed up. Oh, and one more thing. If you have not written me a review yet, would you please go and do that if you are listening to this podcast, and you're liking what you hear. And even if you don't like what you hear, please write me a review. Because somebody out there may like it.I don't ask very often, I kind of forget. But I would love that. So thank you. Thank you.Okay, today's topic, there's nothing to worry about. I love talking about this. Because worry is in kind of that family that fear, that anxiety. And it's one of those emotions that we feel is necessary for us,right? We feel like we're preventing things when we worry.But today I'm going to kind of discuss it and break it down a little bit to understand what exactly is going on in our brain and in our bodies. So there's lots of things in this world that we just can't control.They're outside of us, they are the circumstances of our life,we would call these the facts,these are able to be proven,these are things that are happening all around us other people's thoughts, their behaviors, you know, they are the facts of the world, things that are going on in the world events, all of this are the circumstances of our life,right. And then we have the things we can control. So those would be our thoughts, our feelings, our actions, and of course, our results. And what we want to do with all of those things is also within our control. So when we have a circumstance, we have something going on outside of us, whatever we make that thing mean, that is going to be what's in our control, and also whether it will propel us forward and keep us moving in the direction we want or whether it will keep us kind of spinning and in that worry and doubt and fear. So worried being in the fear and anxiety type of family. When we are in worry, it is always about the future. So in the present moment, we aren't actually worrying whatever it is we're worrying about is something that is the unknown, right? It's unclear, it is futuristic. But in that moment that we are experiencing it worry is something that feels necessary,it feels that we are somehow preventing something from happening as if we have control over that. But worry does not provide us actual control. In fact, it does the opposite. It makes us feel more out of control. Because what we are doing is taking on the emotions of that future that we are so afraid of, we are feeling and experiencing those emotions that we are so desperately afraid of.Doesn't that just blow your mind? In those moments of worry.It's incredible how we would make ourselves absolutely miserable now, and take on the experience and our worst fears are worst emotions, in preparation to not feel that same emotion in the future. We are fearing our own minds and our own beliefs. So knowing that in order to overcome worry and fear, we need to get really good at feeling negative emotion. And the only way to do that is to open up to it. So when I am in a state of worry and fear, I kind of love to use it as a time to practice my beliefs. So I'll end up spending more time praying or more time processing emotions,reading scriptures, those type of things spiritually, because the knowledge and Revelation and inspiration that I get from these things, is what is going to propel me forward through these things. When I stew on my problems and think that I can solve them by just thinking about them. Now I'm preventing something, I basically just go to the worst case scenario and that does not allow my brain to you know, really think in a very rational way. So I end up having my brain just unsupervised and kind of running wild. And then I add to that intensity that anxiety, the anger the fear and over It's a sense of being out of control to my already worrying emotions. And so the reason I like to really dive deep into spirituality during these times,is because it takes my brain to the bigger purpose, right? Our beliefs are all about what we are here for, and why we're here and what actually matters in life. And by doing those things,I will get so much wisdom for myself. And it takes me away from the superficial, you know,it's the end of the world, all the things that my brain goes to in those worrying moments. And then of course, it brings me back to who's actually in control. And I love that quote,you know, from the scriptures,fear not, I am with the right,Jesus said, He overcame the world, there is nothing in this world that he hasn't felt no negative emotion, and therefore,he can kind of get me through it. And that is super comforting and super peaceful, in those moments of fear. So most of my listeners are moms. And as moms,we have that Mama Bear intuition and drive to protect our children, right? It is strong,and it is fierce when it needs to be. So we want to protect them physically, but we also want to protect them emotionally. And we don't want anybody to hurt their feelings.We don't want them to experience negative emotion, because then we have to experience right, we take on our kids emotions, a lot of times, well, I had one of these strong mom moments, when my daughter was in sixth grade,and she was getting bullied by a group of girls, we call them the Mean Girls, right. And it had gotten to the point where I believe it was the last day of school and she was on the bus.And they started coloring her hair blue without her knowing.And then they videotaped her crying, and making fun of her and mocking her. So when she got off the bus she got in my car and seeing her and in that state of mind with expressing those type of emotions. My mama bear came out. And I slammed the car in park in the middle of the road. And I got out and I ran over to this girl. And I put my finger in her face. And I yelled and basically said, Don't you ever talk to my dad, I like kind of went completely psycho mom mode, and freaked out. Okay, so that was my self, my mom self acting in that fear. And that worry and that anger, right. But what had actually happened after I was able to look back on that event is that I was sad for my daughter. And instead of processing that sadness, my body instantly went to something where I felt I could take action from and try to solve this problem in a way to be in control and prevent my daughter from from feeling hurt. My biggest fear when I decoded it was that she wouldn't have any friends, okay, and that her experience would be completely ruined in life, and that this event somehow would cause her more emotional damage. And I could go on and on and on all my fears about it. But getting out of the car and screaming in this girl's face, it did not stop or prevent any of those things from happening. What it did was made me show up as not my true best self that I want it to be. And when we take action from fear, a lot of times it feels powerful,it feels like we're doing something and accomplishing something. Versus sadness is something that feels weak, it makes us feel as if we are at the mercy of somebody else. Now,of course, as a mother, I want to protect my daughter and I wanted this behavior to stop.But I could have done that in a way that gave myself a better result, and probably would have set my daughter up to take on all of this in a completely different and more powerful way.When I reacted out of fear. It then made her feel even more weak. Because she's thinking,Oh, my mom has to solve my problems. I'm not good enough to do it on my own things like that. And the funny thing about that is my biggest fears didn't even come true about this, the experience that I thought would completely ruin her and destroy her actually turned out to be the greatest experience for her.This is where she learned kindness. This is where she learned to look out for the ones that are left out. And she learned to stand up for other and more importantly, be okay with being alone. She learned from a young age that it's okay to be alone and that that emotion is not actually going to hurt you and it's a time for growth and opportunity. So worry tends to lead to that dirty kind of pain that we don't necessarily want to experience.Now had I have processed the sadness from what I was, you know, experiencing watching my daughter be sad. That would have been what I consider clean pain.It's okay to feel negative emotion. And that is one of the biggest things that we as a society are constantly trying to avoid. But when we constantly try to cover up and avoid these natural negative emotions that are part of the human experience, this is what leads to mental health problems.Thoughts like it shouldn't be this way. They should be better.I am not good enough. I'm not capable enough.And I'll never do it as good as them. I mean, these are all of these simple thoughts of self doubt, and worry and fear are what lead to our buffering or overeating or over drinking, our constant, you know, social media usage and just staring at our phones is we are avoiding negative emotion. So when we feel worry, our brain wants to just instantly go to something different, right? We want to fix it, we think it's something a problem to be solved, basically.But worry, is just a reminder to start cleaning out the garbage that's in your brain. And by garbage, I mean, all of the unknown, the fears, the futuristic thoughts that could come true or could not. So this year, I'm sure many of you can agree, it has been full, full of unknown between COVID vaccinations, schools and mask mandates, I mean, people you know, losing their jobs, you name it, all the things. And these things have kind of ripple effects when you, you know, say lose a job now bring on the worry, and then that will affect the relationships in your life.Okay, I have noticed that it's kind of been one of those years for that. And therefore I have found my brain going to worry probably more often than not,and because of that, and because I'm a life coach, I myself have gotten really good at processing worry. And like I said before, I usually turn to God in these,you know, scenarios. And these times when circumstances are,you know, causing thoughts of just crazy out of control, wild work, or some type of things that are going to go on in my life. But basically, at those moments, I start processing that emotion. And I do this by getting into my body. So I tell myself, Hey, buddy, I'm experiencing worry, or I'm experiencing fear. And I say it just like that. And then I just get out of my head, and I get into my body and I start describing what I'm feeling. I feel, you know, sort of sick in my gut, I can feel it kind of moved to my chest, it feels very thick, like a heavy black tar,it sort of feels like it's taking my breath away. And I just keep describing it and keep describing it. And during the processing, sometimes my brain will go, you know, back to all these crazy thoughts. And then I just bring it back into my body.And I do this again and again and again. And so instead of sitting in that worry and going to worst case scenario, I will sit and feel that emotion. And I don't even have to go to that future. Because the second I process it, I realize nothing's gone wrong here. This is an emotion that I can actually handle. It's not something that needs to be fixed changed. It's something I need to feel. And this is such a powerful thing to do. If you have not done this,when we stop fighting against our circumstances. And we simply just let go and surrender, just kind of accept all of it, then that level of emotion and intensity that we are experiencing will kind of just subside, what you will come to realize is that the fear that you're experiencing, isn't because of the actual circumstance. It's the emotions that you will feel or have to experience those helplessness,hopelessness, humiliation,whatever it is that you're so afraid of, we believe that they will kind of overcome us and like overpower us, which is not true. Some of my deepest work that I have had to uncover this year is my fear of people thinking and believing things that are not true about me or my family. I realized through my work that I had this overwhelming desire to get their minds, right. It caused me so much pain, and worry. But through my personal coaching, I found so much peace in the thought it's okay for people to be wrong about me. It kind of just let me let go of everything, the heaviness, the control the battle and come back to myself. And by doing so, and processing these emotions, what I've also been able to do is build my self confidence, my self confidence in who I think I am. And becoming is more important than what they think Brene Brown talks a lot about vulnerability and empathy. And she says the treatment for most negative emotions is empathy. So in these moments, when I am feeling that worry, I will call my sister because she's kind of my person. And we'll just chat it out. And basically, I just want to feel validated in those feelings, right? Trying to get her to hear and somebody to understand where I'm at. It feels so good. So if you don't have a person, you can always call me. I'm a coach. I'll listen, I promise. But it's so important to let it out. Just work through those emotions process those emotions talk through those emotions. Instead of going to oh my gosh, we're gonna die.A lot of times I'll see with my clients when we really dig deep into this work, that their true thought and feeling. The fear and worry is something about themselves, like whatever happens will be their fault, for example. And this was the case for me in that scenario. My My deepest fear was that if people think these things about me, then I won't have any friends I won't be liked. And if I took that thought even further than it's like, well, then I'll be alone. And then what does that mean? Well, I have to be alone with myself and alone in my own head. And that was really uncomfortable for me. Because at the time, I wasn't secure. And so all of that be so deep into this work to to be able to uncover that really deep rooted fear, and build up from that.And that is exactly what negative emotion is. It's growth and evolution. And sometimes it feels like anxiety and doubt. So if I'm working with my clients,and their circumstance is that their kid is drinking, what they want to be working on is what can I say and do to get my kid to stop drinking? But what we actually work on is, what does that drinking mean for you? What are your deepest darkest fears about that, a lot of times it comes down to I'm a bad parent,right? If their husband, you know, cheats, it comes down to I wasn't good enough. So then they have this constant desire to prevent that from happening. And they're showing up kind of like a crazy, irrational spouse, if they have a fear of like, I, if I can't make this money, what does that mean, for me? Well,I'm not going to be successful,okay, all of these are coming down to their thoughts about who they are, and whether they're going to be able to handle that emotion. If it does come true,say, worst case scenario. So during this process, as I'm coaching them, I will start to see my clients gain this awareness that they know their thought is creating the emotion and that they're able to separate it from the circumstance, but the brain is still in a rush to get rid of that negative emotion. And so that's what we work on is just processing that negative emotion. And when we can do this, when we can be okay with the outcome, then we can understand that no matter what happens, we're going to have our own back, we know that we can experience that negative emotion, and that it's not scary. It's simply just a vibration in our body. One of the thoughts that I really love to go to and tell my clients to go to is, this is how it's supposed to happen.Or if we're talking about emotions, specifically, in that worry, I like to say, this is how it's supposed to feel. And that's simply just reminding our brain, that there's not a problem here.And getting good at experiencing negative emotion. It's a skill,and it takes practice. And so lots of times I'll even go to worst case scenario, their biggest, deepest, darkest fears,and then we kind of work backwards, okay, and then what would that look like? And what would that mean for you? And then what would you have to do then, and we kind of just play it all out. And every single time, all it's coming down to is a feeling. It's just kind of a scarcity mindset, the what if,and every time, that person kind of lightens up a little bit that, oh, wow, this really isn't a problem. So what I want you guys to learn through this is that worry is not something that we need to even be afraid of. We just need to allow it and understand when we're in it,have that awareness and just say, Oh, I'm just going to feel worried right now. When we let our mind wander and go to worst case and all of those things, we then pile on those heavier emotions of fear and anger. And that's unnecessary in those moments when we just need to process the worry. The world and our life is an uncertain place.We are not supposed to know it all. If we know it all, and the beginning to the end, then there would be no opportunity for growth, there would be no reason to evolve if we knew everything.The whole point is to enjoy the journey to allow the journey to process and fully embrace all of the human experience. And when we can do that, we can fully understand that there's really nothing to worry about. If you're ready to drop the all or nothing in your life, then I would be honored to be your life coach. Head over to the modern mormon.com To start your journey in becoming the confident authentic and best version of you