In this episode I talk about what true confidence is, and also what it's not. I explain how we can build confidence and how we can keep it. If we have confidence in ourselves we will be unstoppable in our lives.
You're listening to the modern Mormon, Episode 17. Hey there, I'm kami Satterlee. And I'm the modern Mormon. I'm an Advanced Certified Life coach who's dropped the all or nothing approach to life, and religion. I can't wait to show you how. I've got you, girl. Let's go hello, hello beautiful souls, it is finally December. I am so excited about this month, I love December, it is a time for reflection and also kind of a preparation time for the new year. So we get to kind of set new goals if we want to and I don't know kind of have mixed emotions about the way that the year went, do a little bit of reflection and review. So today I'm talking about confidence. One of my favorite topics, it is kind of what drives us to be the type of people that we want to be. And I'm so excited about this. So to start off, I kind of want to tell you about what confidence is, and also what it is not. So confidence is a feeling that you are in charge of. So our primitive brain, which is our lower brain, it's the one that we kind of default to, it's the one that keeps us super safe. Back in the early days of existence, our brain, you know, it was programmed to create fear. That's what we're programmed to do. We're not programmed to necessarily create confidence, because confidence makes us want to go out and do bigger and better things, right. So our lower brain wants to keep us safe. And by doing that, it likes to create a lot of fear within us danger, how to avoid it, all of that, because back in the day, it kept us alive, when we needed that when we were cave people and we were fighting animals and looking for food and doing all that right. But today, basically, it just keeps us from our true desires and our dreams. Confidence is an emotion within our model. So if you're familiar with the model that I teach, it is simply put circumstances in our life, which is kind of the facts of our life, the things outside of us, they trigger thoughts. And those thoughts produce our emotions, our feelings, those feelings are what generate our actions, and basically cause our results in life. So some of us think confidence is something that just happens to us, you think that you're either born confident or not right, or you think that it's something that you have developed based off of your circumstances in life, we think someone is confident, based off of what they do, how much money they have their body type, those type of things. And what I find fascinating about this is, we know logically, that confidence isn't something that you can put in somebody else's brain. But we almost feel like somebody that's confident can put thoughts and opinions in somebody else's brain based off of their confidence, like we think if we're confident about something, then that means that somebody else is also confident about us. So for example, if we see a super attractive female, and our thought is, she's confident because she's got a great body, in a way we believe that the body is what is creating the confidence, when really that is our own opinion, based off of our own competence, or our own lack of confidence, the woman may think she has a great figure because she's confident and that confidence has propelled her to take action and to move her body and to eat healthy from that level of confidence. Or she could have a lack of confidence. And now she's punished herself. She's deprived herself of food enjoyment, she's used working out as a way to sort of beat herself up from a place of fear, and not being good enough, which is a lack of confidence, okay. But our brain says, Oh, she has a great body. So that must mean she's confident, that just goes to show that the body she has does not create her confidence. So by having a deep understanding of this, we can realize that confidence, it's not coming from external things. But we think those things bring confidence. But confidence needs to come actually before those things in order to create what we actually want in our lives. So confidence comes from whatever it is that's going on inside of your brain, and therefore what's going on inside of basically your emotional life. Remember that it does not come from your actions, and it does not come from your results. It produces your actions and it produces your results. But it always comes from our thinking. It is so important to understand this you guys because so many people will delay their progress, just waiting around for confidence to just kind of hit them, right? I'm not I can't start my workout because I'm not motivated. Okay? It's those type of things. All of those emotions are coming from our brain. We need to create that with our thoughts in order to even go after the things that we truly desire and dream about. We build our confidence by doing things that we've never done before stepping out of our comfort zones. And it's basically you have to override your primitive brain. So the lower brain that says Stay put, don't go out and do anything that's scary. Okay, you have to override that. You do that by saying yes, when you are afraid by taking that first step, and just saying yes, when you're afraid, that will like propel you so much further than anything, I feel like that first step is kind of like the biggest confidence boost. So your chances of succeeding are so much higher if you decide to just go for it without knowing the how, and our brain wants to know the how, because we want to know, if we're going to fail, if we're going to be able to do it, or if we're just gonna fall on our butt, right. So you take a step, you fall, you get back up, and every time that you do that, you are building more and more confidence. So what is going on in your brain during that time, it's a constant redirection of your thoughts. To build confidence, you have to understand that feeling is just a part of the process, you have to know that you are going to fail and you have to be okay with it, you will have to fail. And whatever you decide and make that mean, every single time that you do is whether you will be confident, or whether you're resort back to insecurity. So this is why spirituality and a belief in God became so important to me, by believing in a higher power other than myself, it gave my brain a support system, in a sense that, if he's in charge, we basically are all just below him, I can look to Him for guidance, right? If he is my, my North Star, my shining light, whatever you want to call it, then everything else kind of doesn't really matter. Only his opinion matters, nobody else's. So I put my faith in Him. And then I don't have to worry about what anybody else thinks. If he's the one I'm striving to become and be like, then the other opinions around the world are just completely irrelevant. And the more I got into coaching, I realized other people's opinions have nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with their thoughts about their confidence and their insecurities. This has helped me so much in building my coaching business, putting yourself out there is not easy, you guys, and my brain tells me probably 100 times a week to just quit, I redirect my thoughts to who I want to be, and what matters and who matters. And every time I'm back in the game, coaching also brought up a lot of awareness about my insecurities in places that I thought I was super secure, I realized after coaching, that I was actually really insecure. In my head, I thought, Oh, I'm secure. I don't care what people think I care what I think. But deep down when I realized the actions that I was taking, and the results I was getting in my life was coming from a place of trying to change other people's opinions about me and get them to like me, in my relationships, in my parenting in everything, so that I could feel good and feel like I was enough. It is so mind blowing, when I really think about this. So what's crazy is I built my confidence off of my thought about other people's thoughts about me. So I was trying to manipulate, like the situations and make myself appear as something I was completely not. And from a place of, if they will like me, then I will like me. I wanted to control my husband control my kids, I wanted to control my body and other people's thoughts about it. what really was happening was I was 100% out of control with my thoughts and my results. When we operate out of fear, what we're doing is we're trying to prevent something from happening, which means that we are not being our true self. In that moment, I was trying to punish myself and my body to look a certain way in order to feel worthy and attractive enough for my husband. So I was trying to also control him to behave a certain way so that I could feel secure about our relationship. I've talked about that a couple of times in my last podcast, I needed my kids to do and say like certain things and be a certain way and act a certain way. So that I would feel like I was a good enough mom. It felt like I was just doing something productive in the moment. It felt healthy, when I would even work out and I labeled it as healthy. And I thought it was like deep down I truly thought it was. But the underlying thought that I had about myself and the fear that I had about missing workouts, or eating certain things, is what brought up that insecurity in me. And I realized that it wasn't coming from a place of confidence. So it was it would mean that I wasn't creating what I actually wanted to I wasn't creating a healthy body I wanted to I was trying to look a certain way. And that was deep down creating insecurities. And what I realized is that once I did get a body that, you know, I thought I wanted, I still was insecure. So that is how I started to uncover all of this knowledge and these deep rooted thoughts and actually my insecurities. I was also terrified of doing anything unknown, or anything outside of my comfort zone because that felt completely out of control. So I didn't pursue my dreams. I didn't pursue my passions. I just stopped growing kind of as a human being and that started to affect things in my life. A big one that I didn't pursue was spirituality. And I didn't do that because it meant a change kind of in my routine from my day to day and who I thought I was. And from what I I was doing it was coming completely out of fear. So the thought that somebody else would be in charge of like my life, including God, it was kind of frightening to me. But putting faith in God, it's not an easy thing to do. You have to overpower your doubt in yourself and in your life and kind of follow his plan. And that can actually be really scary. We want to doubt our brain, it just naturally wants us to do that, because we want to think that it's not working. So we can try and gain some control over our circumstances in life. Because if our circumstances, you know, if we think that it should be different, then if we feel like we can control that, then we can change that to whatever we want it to be. without believing in a higher power and constantly failing, it was like a huge hit to my idea of what my self worth was. Confidence does not come from our results, it's not something that can be measured. How many of you out there if you are not accomplishing something, you kind of feel worthless. That means you're trying, you're tying and you're trying to earn that confidence, rather than deciding that you're already good regardless of what you do. It's taken years of understanding my brain and managing my brain and circumstances like weeks of coaching every day on self coaching myself to finally understand that confidence to me is simply being able to feel any emotion in this world. Confidence is knowing I will have my own back regardless of the circumstances outside of me, it's having faith in God and knowing that there's a plan and a purpose. And for me, even if that doesn't look like what I thought my plan and purpose was, it's not fighting against the shoulds. And this shouldn't. And, you know, my life should look like this. And I shouldn't have to do this, okay, you kind of let that go, when you start to understand that you have no control. And the way to feel like you're actually in control is owning your emotions around it. For me, personally, confidence is quiet and humble. A lot of times we think that it's like the loudest person in the room, we assume that they have so much confidence because they can just shine bright. But I've come to understand over the years that that is not the case. The one that's like showcasing their body in the gym, the one that's like nonstop posting on about their relationship on social media, or flaunting their successes with their fancy clothes and their nice purses and cars, whatever it is, that is not actually true confidence. Confidence is peace. It is a deep knowledge of knowing your worth. And it's not tying your worth to anything on this earth. The difference between somebody who's confident and someone who is insecure, is simply a thought, doesn't that just blow your mind. I feel like we understand this from a conscious level. But deep down, we're still trying to prove ourselves and prove to others that we're worthy enough and confident enough. And sometimes we think if we're too confident, then we'll be arrogant. But that's 100% not true. Arrogance is the thought of I'm better than you were confidence means I'm great. And I know like you can be just as great. You don't think that your you know amount of greatness can be overshadowed or overpowered by somebody else's. Okay, that is true confidence. And everything that I coach, anyone on always comes down to their thoughts about themselves, their self worth and their confidence. So when people come to me for coaching on a certain topic, they will come to me and think, Oh, I'm struggling my relationship, or I want to make more money, whatever it is, I know deep down, that their issue will always come down to their thoughts about their self. This is why I absolutely love what I do. Because I get to show women that if if they truly knew themselves the way that God knew them, or others, even though then then they would be unstoppable. I love watching women build their confidence through coaching because it opens doors and possibilities that they never even knew what happened for them. They suddenly become their biggest heroes. And they do this by simply overriding their primitive brain. So for example, if I'm helping somebody build their business, the hardest part is always just that first step. It's in deciding that they're all in, and that they're going to be okay with failing, once they can get past that stuff. And they can use that step as an example for their future. So with confidence, we're basically the more that we do, the more confident we get, and we can build off of that confidence. The more we step out of our comfort zones, the more we do the hard things, the things that our primitive brain doesn't want us to do, the more confident we get. So basically what we are doing is we are using our past in a way that serves us instead of hinders our progress. So making offers to people becomes a lot easier because they've already put themselves out there. They've already built a little bit of confidence. So let's say they put an offer out there for somebody for their business and that person declines it in that moment. They have the option to quit like their old self would or simply, you know throw up a bridge being thought is what I call it. And it becomes something like it's possible that I can find another client That is how we build confidence. It's kind of that keep moving forward type of mentality. They continually do this like again and again. And every time they do, and they try something new when when they fail, and they decide that they're just going to keep going. And they're just going to keep building confidence. I have watched women go from not feeling like they have a purpose on this earth, to creating the most incredible businesses. Nothing about them has changed personally, like their circumstances around them did not change, the only thing that has changed was their thinking. This is what happened for me. And this is what, you know, this is the reason that I, you know, had such a drive to be a life coach, I feel the biggest thing that blocks our confidence is our thoughts about other people's thoughts, other people thinking about us. Think about it, if you take a picture with a group of friends, and you look absolutely terrible in that picture, you want them to instantly redo the picture, right? You wouldn't want them to post that picture of you, because you wouldn't want somebody to see you looking bad. And in comparison to like the rest of the group. We all do this, of course. But it's so fascinating to me that in these moments of confidence, like it's about who we are, it's not about who we are. In those moments, it's basically just about who we think somebody else is going to view us as. But True Confidence is who we are deep down, it is more than a photo, it's more than just capturing a moment, which is so funny. Because in that moment of that picture being taken, that is what we looked like that is who we are, but trying to give this like false, you know, perfection type of view for the rest of the world to see is an insecurity within us. Confidence is just owning it all. I promise. The second you decide like I don't care. That is exactly what it looks like at that moment. And you just post that photo. When you own it and you love yourself, the feeling is so much greater than posting a picture you think somebody else will think looks good. When you take ownership of your emotions. When you take ownership of that confidence. And you decide that you are amazing, no matter what, no matter what you look like what you're doing, it is the most liberating, freeing feeling you could have in the world. Confidence is a skill that takes practice, it takes taking these little scenarios like the selfie scenario, and practicing owning the emotions, redirecting your brain and intentionally choosing that you are enough in every one of these scenarios. Remember, your brain is comfortable with doubt. It's comfortable quitting, it's comfortable, it's comfortable with just staying put and deciding not to even try decide that you are willing to be uncomfortable, and you will start to build that confidence. A lot of times we see our thoughts kind of as truth like it just is. Just because you think something is true does not mean you have to continually walk around and believe it is or even talk about it or think in order to create a new truth. Start with that bridging thought that I talked about earlier. It's possible that and that one can kind of help you get from that insecurity, a little step up to confidence, it's possible that my body is attractive right here right now. It's possible that I will start this business, it's possible that I can heal my relationship. Those are the thoughts that are going to build confidence. It's so fascinating. I used to be so focused on what my body looked like, like how much muscle I had, what size of jeans I wore. And now I care so much more about, like the knowledge that I have that I would much rather read a book than workout, which is crazy. Because back in the day, I could not skip workouts. I made it mean everything about me and my capabilities. If I missed a workout, then I was just nothing because I can't schedule my time I can't, you know, prioritize and get the important things done. I used to call it healthy by doing this. But it wasn't healthy, it was actually a way to punish myself. So today, I still work out every single day. But I do it because my health and fitness are important to me. But it's coming from a place of confidence and security, where I love my body and I want to take care of it not because I think it needs to be any better than it is. Or because I'm trying to get somebody else to think that I'm worthy or that it looks good. If you build your confidence in yourself, you will be unstoppable. You will become the person that you truly want to be inside. You will care about others opinions from a place of love and compassion. But you will still begin to care about yours even more, as so many people say, you know don't care about what anybody else thinks you want to care about what people think you truly do. And if you didn't, then it would kind of be too much you know focused on yourself. You want to validate other people you want to you know have conversation and you want to listen and and take criticism, whatever it is to a certain extent. But the whole idea is to just be in a healthy place with yourself that whatever they say. As long as you know who you are, it will not affect and change that for you. Your attractiveness to yourself and others will be based on who you are as a person and not by your outer appearance or things that other people think are important or value. Every single problem in your life comes down to your own Confidence. So go build that confidence. And if you haven't already, I want you to sign up for a free coaching call on my Instagram page. So it's the underscore modern Mormon, and we can talk about the steps to get you there to this confidence. I promise. This is what we do every single week. We work on these topics, we break down circumstances, and we build that confidence within you so that you are able to get the things done that you want. Wake up in the morning and love who you are and love the direction that you're going on in your life have amazing relationships. Basically, it heals everything, and it's only a thought away. If you're ready to drop the all or nothing in your life, then I would be honored to be your life coach, head over to the modern mormon.com To start your journey in becoming the confident authentic and best version of you