In this episode I talk about the process of change. What we think we need to do vs what we actually need to do. I give examples of areas of big changes is my own life and the steps needed to get those big results. Listen in! I would love a review!
You're listening to the modern Mormon episode 28. Hey there, I'm kami Satterlee. And I'm the modern Mormon. I'm an Advanced Certified Life coach who's dropped the all or nothing approach to life, and religion. I can't wait to show you how. I've got you, girl. Let's go. Hello, beautiful souls How we doing today? Today's podcast is all about evolving, navigating life's changes, basically becoming the best version of ourselves kind of like what I usually talk about. So every Monday on my Instagram, I have a questions box in my stories where I allow anyone and everyone to write in whatever they're dealing with something they're struggling with any questions that they could possibly have? And I answer those questions, and I write it so that everybody can see those answers and kind of learn and grow. As a coach asking my clients questions is key in finding the cause of their problems. And it's also key in creating the solution to the problems. This week, as I was looking over some of the questions that were asked, I thought about how I learned these things, and how I was able to apply what I know into my own personal life so that I can then answer these questions for them. Obviously, I went through life coach training, but a lot of the times I answer based off of my own experiences. So this is how I created the change within myself, but also how I feel confident in my ability to solve any of my own problems, but then also help others with theirs. What I realized is that it all comes down to asking myself, or asking my clients really great questions. Whenever I feel a void in my life, like a need, or I have like a desire for something different. I asked myself questions about what I'm feeling what I'm thinking, and that creates the emotion and that emotion drives me to do or not do something, it's either to take the action or an inaction that helps me become the person I want to be or what is preventing me from becoming that person. So in life, we ask ourselves questions all the time. Why can't I get this done? Why can I figure this out? Why can't my husband do his fair share around the house? Is that one hitting home for you? Why can't my kids do what I asked them to to do? Why can't I lose weight? Why can't I stick to a schedule? These types of questions are ones that our brain purposely uses to keep a stock or to make a stay in confusion. These types of questions are not helpful. Because truly, if we wanted to deep dive into those questions and answer them for ourselves, we would know why. Why does my husband not want to do his chair around the house? Because he doesn't want to, he would rather sit on the couch and watch motocross? Why does my kids not want to listen to what I say because they want to do what they want. It's very simple, actually, where we feel the pain, or the emotion is from the lack of acceptance of those things, accepting that our husband just doesn't want to help accepting that our kids want to do what they want to do and not listen to us. But there's a part of us that wants to stay confused about it as if we can somehow create change from that confusion. If we accept the fact that our husband just doesn't want to do anything, then we would have to make a decision on whether we want to do it or not. There's this idea that if we know the answers to our problems, and take the time to actually find the cause of them, then we'll have to do something about it, we will have to take action. And that is just so simply so just overwhelming and scary to our brain. But that's not actually true. Having the awareness does not mean you instantly have to take action. Having the awareness just is showing you that you are creating whatever emotion that you are feeling your anger is not coming from your husband sitting on the couch, it's coming from your thought that he should be different. So once you can get past the fear of accepting and allowing your reality, or allowing what is you can create space in your brain for change. So this is where asking yourself powerful and great questions every day has such an impact on your overall life, and what direction that you are headed. So I titled this podcast line upon line because when we ask these questions, or we're acting from fear or worry, we tend to take action from a rushed place and rushed usually means there's some type of fear behind that. When we are trying to rush what we're doing is we're trying to get to a different emotion because we're not accepting and allowing and processing our current emotion. And that current emotion is usually a frustration, a worry of fear, anger, it's an emotion that we are feeling because we think that it should be different than it currently is. So I see this a lot when people want me to help them figure out a new thought to think when they're asking me for this most of the time. It's because they're not actually accepting reality. They're wanting to change it. They just start like okay, well tell me what I should think then so I can get rid of this emotion. When you truly accept reality. You are not in a rush to change it. It is a slow progression. You Understand that moving on to a new thought is not going to be any better than your current state. It's just going to be different. We want to create change. And we want to think new thoughts that serve us because our human brains and as human beings, we want to learn and grow, and we want to evolve. A perfect example of this is when I had a fear driven desire to figure out what I believe spiritually. So the desire wasn't because I had felt a void in my life necessarily. In fact, I felt like my life was pretty great. I didn't even think I needed God in my life, to be honest. But as a mother, I had a fear that I was missing a piece that others claimed to be so important later on in life. So I did not want to drop the ball on teaching my kids about spirituality and God, because I couldn't get my own crap together. So I felt like the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was not my jam. Instead of trying to figure out if it was cheer, like true, I just decided it wasn't. And I also told myself that I had tried to figure it out years and years ago. And so that was my answers, because I didn't get an overwhelming feeling or burning or whatever everybody claims. That was my answer that No, it's not true. So we started going to rock Carver, the Christian Church, which I've mentioned many times on this podcast, and we loved it, we were going pretty consistently. And I joined a Bible group with Steve and I also joined a private group that was specifically for ex LDS women. So I did not call myself an ex LDS woman, I did not like that label. But I was curious about the group and kind of what they would teach in it. And if I could get something from it, because, obviously, growing up with very strict Mormon, you know, teachings and thoughts, it was almost in an attempt to decondition those thoughts so that I could move on and be like a full fledged Christian woman, like how do I drop the guilt and the shame, or this idea that I'm doing something wrong, even though I don't really click with it, like, I just wanted someone basically to take me to a different emotion, right. So this group got together. And on our very first time, we mostly just chatted about each person's personal experience with leaving the LDS church, I really didn't have anything to share. Because I told them I hadn't left I was just kind of in a constant state of confusion. And I was trying to do what worked for my family. At the same time, I really loved the Christian life, I really loved going to rock harbor and I love the pastor and I loved everything he taught was a great message. I just didn't have like truth within it necessarily. Nothing about it drove me to want to take action, I didn't honestly know what action I was supposed to be taking. Which is kind of funny, because they talked about Mormons a lot and how they are more action based. And from their viewpoint, they interpreted that as we're trying to earn and work our way to heaven, where they said, no, nothing you can do is going to get you there. It sounds beautiful. But when I was in it, I was like, Well, I'm not growing my testimony. I'm not doing anything I don't I feel kind of stuck, like what am I supposed to do and I think felt like it was driving me or creating an a motivation within me from the wisdom that I did have to do something and I felt like I wanted to. So I didn't fit the mold. My family didn't fit the mold. But there were so many different things about the church that I absolutely hated, like the culture, the principles. The word of wisdom, having to wear dresses on Sunday was a big deal to me, I had so many thoughts on what the LDS church did, also to women seeing all that my mom had to do growing up. And kind of the anxiety that caused I just felt like it was too much. And it was a lot of box checking. And it looked absolutely miserable. I didn't want anything to do with that. And I also didn't like Joseph Smith, the story never made me feel good. I had read the Book of Mormon, like three times and not once did I feel like I got an answer. So I use that as that is my answer. The answer is it's not true. So during that meeting, they pass out a bunch of books for all of us to read. And I looked at the book and it was titled unveiling grace and it was written by Lynn Wilder. So Lynn Wilder was the mother of mica Wilder, who happened to be my very first friend when I moved to Utah. And on his mission, he left the church and became a born again, Christian. I was super curious about all of this. So I was actually really excited to read this book. And kind of from her perspective. This book would be considered anti Mormon literature, I'm assuming for people within the LDS church, but I felt really excited to read it. So I went to my cabin, and I spent three days reading the entire thing cover to cover. I close that book and instantly knew my truth. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was my true church. Everything written in Lynn's book. It was just her thoughts and her experiences. Nothing to me seemed factual. What I saw was a mother whose son left the church and she so desperately wanted her relationship and her connection back with her son. Her brain then started to find evidence as to why the church wasn't true. The same thing that my brain was currently doing. And I was on to myself as I was reading this book. And I was finding evidence that the church wasn't true. Lynn Wilders book inspired me to go back to church, which is so funny. It it did this by her unbelief made me question my own beliefs. So throughout that entire book, I asked myself really great questions. So I asked if I believed her. If I wanted to believe her perspective, I asked if I wanted to believe something different. And by the end, I asked myself, are you not living into your beliefs? Because it's not convenient for you? Are you making coming back to the church mean, you will have a failed relationship with your husband? Are you making coming back to the church mean, you will have to be perfect, and are you making coming back to the church mean, you will have to be all or nothing. So I realized right then, that my issue was not the church. My issue was my own thoughts that were getting in my way. Right there, I accepted my reality, I had accepted what I had created, I was able to separate the culture of the church from the doctrine of the Church, to then decide where I wanted to start, if I wanted to start, and how that would look for me. I started line upon line, I wasn't in a rush, I wasn't in a rush, because I still was kind of a little hesitant. So I started with prayer, basically, something super simple. I'm going to just start praying and see how it affects my day. And then I started attending the first hour of church only, then I started reading scriptures, and then attending church full time, okay, there was no rush, there was no hurry, I was able to distance myself from the people pleasing the expectations, the culture, all of it and sticks, like, stick to just my truths of it, I decided that there is no way that my belief in a religion is ever going to distance me from my relationship with my husband, I also decided that my relationship is irrelevant to my children's relationship. And if they decide to believe something else, I was going to be okay with that. My goal and all of this was to develop spirituality, develop a connection and a relationship with God, and then kind of keep improving on that. What I wanted to teach my children was that exact same thing. So I decided to keep it simple. I left out all the fluff, I was not all about a full huge testimony about Joseph Smith, I'm still not, I keep it really simple. My Testimony couldn't be more simple. But through the slow progression and the acceptance of what is right now in this moment, and what I want to become, I was able to build a very small, but a very strong testimony. So one of the biggest things I struggled with was, what are other people going to think what are my people going to think what I quickly realized was that people who know who they are inside, they don't judge others for their own knowing. And I don't care if it's religion, politics, jobs, where you live, what you do, people who are confident in who they are, they don't judge others for what they believe or what they do in life. It's always the ones who are stuck in confusion, who point the finger. Those are the ones that judge those are the ones who are unsure and insecure. It's the ones that are not asking themselves the great questions every day, their focus is not on their own life, it's on other people's, they distract themselves and their own uncomfortable emotions about who they are and where they're going. By focusing on other people's faults and other people's decisions and their drama and all their circumstances in life. Are you asking yourself great questions daily? Or are you staying stuck? By being confused at the effect of your circumstances in life? Are you worried about other people's thoughts? Are you trying to gain your validation about who you are from other people? And if so, that's gonna keep you confused on your own life. It's gonna keep you stuck and not able to take action, because you don't know what you're taking action towards who it's for, or the purpose of it, what's the end result you want? For me when I got really clear on what I wanted, from spirituality and what I wanted it to be for, for my family, I was able to drop everyone else's opinions. I don't care. When I sit in church, I never get offended by the people around me. I have so many people come to me for coaching about things other people are saying and doing in church and it's mind blowing to me, because when you do it for the right reasons, not from obligation, not from fear, none of that when it's strictly for you. I'm oblivious, I wouldn't even know if somebody had something to say to me, and if they did, I wouldn't even care. I'm not there for them. So this is the difference when you start to become and you start to know and evolve and be the person you want to be. All of the rest kind of just fizzles out. So for example, if you're a type of person who asked, you know yourself these type of questions, why can't I be happy? Why am I depressed? Why am I not motivated? Why is my marriage failing? Why can't I lose weight? Why are my children not listening? I want you to switch those Questions around, too? How can I be happy today? So your brain will instantly start coming up with ideas instead of leaving you as a victim. I like to break it down and make it even more simpler than that. And I like to say, what are three things I can do? Or three things I can tell myself to feel happiness today? What are three actions I can take towards weight loss? What are three ways I can help motivate my kids to do their chores? Now, if you're new to this, your brain will automatically say, I don't know, right? When you say I don't know what you're doing is blocking your ability to even know there's a part of you that is afraid to take action. And if you're going to do the wrong thing, then you're going to fail. So in our house, we're not allowed to say I don't know, my kids know that if they say that they're instantly going to be followed up with. But if you did know, what would you say? Or what would you do or think it's amazingly unbelievable how a simple thought can change your entire reality. If you ask yourself, why can't I stick to a schedule every day, your brain will come back with a ton of negative answers. You're not organized, you don't have enough time, you have too many problems. You can't stay focused, there's something wrong with you. But if you change the way you speak to yourself and change the way you ask yourself the question instead. So instead of saying, why can't I change it, to how can I stick to a schedule and still have fun, you see how that's so much more empowering and uplifting. This will train your brain to start to work in that direction to create a schedule that promotes growth and goals. But that also allows you free time and fun. The part that is maybe the part that is scary to your brain. If I have a schedule, and I stick to a schedule, then there's no time for being spontaneous. There's no time for doing the things I actually want to do. I'm just going to be to schedule and to robotic, it's not true. So no matter what area in your life, you're wanting to improve in your wanting to grow in your wanting change in the first question that I will always ask myself, and I think everyone should ask themselves is what am I thinking? What are you currently thinking about this circumstance? Awareness is everything you guys, if you do not have awareness, you will not create the change that you truly desire. If you are wanting to change your body, for example, but you're walking around every day with 66,000 thoughts that your body's terrible, your brains going to believe it needs to look a certain way in order for you to stop having those thoughts. So you're going to work your butt off, you're going to try and eat perfectly, you're going to work out maybe over workout, you're going to drink a ton of water, whatever it is, take the right supplement supplements, it will try and change that body externally. But it will keep the 66,000 negative thoughts that entire time. It's basically playing a game of tug of war. You cannot out act and negative thought you cannot create positive change through negative beating yourself up and heading the thing that you're trying to change. So when it comes to your body, asking yourself, What am I thinking about my body. And I always recommend writing this out. If you write it out, you can physically see and be able to process each one of those thoughts and decide new beliefs to think instead of the old ones. And if it's hard to get to new beliefs I love to just come up with it's possible that dot dot dot, I'm becoming a person that believes dot dot dot, okay, those are what I call bridge thoughts. And those are going to help you come to the positive, more powerful thoughts that are actually going to create the change. So as you're taking action to improve your body, you are believing your body is incredible, doing exactly what it's designed to do listening to all the directions, you're giving it taking exactly what it needs and storing the rest. You'll realize in this process of asking yourself questions, and creating new beliefs that you don't have a body problem, you have a thought problem. You don't have an overheating problem, you have an emotional problem and your emotional problem is caused. Because of your negative thinking about your body. You will realize in that moment that your body is perfect just as it is that it was never a fact that your body was terrible. All the thoughts that you had were simply thoughts. This is the awareness process. This is the part that really blows people's minds. So I can tell people this all day long, but they will not believe me until they create that awareness for themself. And they won't do this work until they ask themselves the questions line upon line. The process is not fast, it is not a quick result. It is a very slow progression. But once you begin to understand the awareness and acceptance process, you will be able to see what you're thinking and instantly change it if you want to where it becomes easier and easier each time that you do this, which makes getting the results easier and easier. A lot of times when we are working on change the reason that we so often fail is because we set goals that are just too far in advance. We want to take drastic or massive action, but we're coming from a place of like a highly emotionally charged thoughts. Massive Action works when emotion driving the action is competence or consistency determination dret like drive motivation. If you have a current thought that you aren't capable of doing something or you truly don't believe that that can happen to you or that you can set that goal and achieve it. And you're starting to think that far in advance, it's only going to set you up for failure. Remember, the problem is to not act to take action to achieve that goal, you have to know what you're thinking prior to achieving that goal. So in situations like this, I like to just shorten the lens in which you are viewing everything. So I had a client whose husband had just cheated and she was spiraling, she was spinning out of control so many thoughts. But her biggest thought, I think that she had was whether she should stay or she should go. I just simply told her what if we don't focus on that right now? What if that part doesn't even matter? You'll get to that part when it's time. And we'll worry about that as soon as we get there. But we're just going to sort of put that one in our back pocket and focus on the now. And I asked her what if what if you just thought about how you want to show up in your marriage? How do you want to show up in your marriage? So and we just focused on that this week only? So she was looking so far in advance of like, what is this going to be for my life? I had so much fear about everything, like, am I gonna stay go all of that was so far fetched, it was very future focused. What she was missing was, who she was becoming in that process, and how she was showing up in her marriage during all of this because of all of her wild and spinning thoughts. So I said, what if we just focused on how you want to show up in your marriage this week? And what I did was I had her think of her perfect married life, what do you think about that? What does that look like? And she gave me a whole list of things. And then said, what if you showed up as that wife this week that's full of love and respect, who is fun. And you set aside time to process your emotions about the infidelity. But in times when you interact with your husband, it's all love and trust and fun. And naturally, her brain started to wig out and say, Well, if I act like everything's okay, he's going to think it's okay, which is exactly what our brain does, right? Anytime that we try to pursue anything, it comes up with all the reasons why we shouldn't. And I explained to her that your husband will continue to think and do whatever he wants. But if you show up as the wife that you want to be, regardless of the actions he's taking, regardless of anything that he says and does, only you will feel that emotion, he will not feel that emotion, you're not going to give him a reason to go out and cheat again, by being okay with who you are and how you show up. If he wants to go do that than he will do up, you have no control over that, whether you show up great or whether you are freaking out and screaming and trying to instill fear in him to make him not take action and do something like that, right? I want you to just focus on who you want to be this week in regards to your marriage, and your brain is going to come up with lots of noise. And it's going to resist this. And it's going to want to freak out and I just want you to quiet the noise and come right back down. And ask yourself Who do I want to be? Who do I want to be in every single moment, shortening the lens when it comes to your goals. And when it comes to the circumstances you have in life is a way for your brain to hyper focus in on small steps without getting overwhelmed, or scared or fearful of the big picture. When it comes to shortening your lens. I also love to do this with decision making. I love to keep things as simple as possible and what I have to choose. So this week, I told my husband, as you all know, I despise cooking you guys, I've mentioned it a million times, I told him I am making three meals, the three same meals for dinner every single week, I'm going to alternate those meals within that week. And this is what I'm deciding to do. In the future, I might expand to more meals and more recipes. But for now, I'm sticking to three meals, we're keeping it simple. We're going to eat those nonstop, and they're going to be healthy, and they're going to give us exactly what we need. And if you think that you might get sick of them or you think that this is going to be terrible, I would challenge you to question your thoughts on that and decide how you want to show up when you're about to eat these meals. So I told him, I'm tired of asking myself what to make for dinner, I'm tired of coming up with new recipes. It's not something that I want to pursue right now and try and make easier. It's something that I just want to check a box so that I can go and work on other areas in my life. So I just said I'm tired of making these decisions around cooking. And so in order to make slow changes in my life around cooking, as it's something that I will be doing the rest of my life. I'm starting here, I'm starting with three meals, Bam, done. So what I love about this so much is the old me would have tripped out like oh my gosh, I can't do that. My husband will be upset, he'll hate that. He has to eat the same meals. It'll be a bad experience for him. He deserves a better wife, blah, blah, blah, right? The new me says this is who I am. This is what I'm doing. This is what I want to be doing. So I'm letting you know and I'm also letting you decide what you want to think about that and how you want to feel about that. And guess what, he might not like it. He might be really upset by that. And he also has the option to cook the meal himself if it means that much to him, or he can choose to accept the ality of what is allow the emotion that follows, and then consciously decide what he wants to think about that. And He does that by asking himself questions, you guys this work, this process of change in your life will eliminate the people pleasing that you're doing the unwanted tasks that you don't want to be doing. And you feel that you should be doing it will help you begin to see and understand what you're currently doing. And it'll open up more space to input the things in your life and in your future that you want to be doing. It'll save you so much energy and eliminate so much brain fog and overwhelming your life. If there are areas in your life that you have wanted to change for so long. This is how you get it done once and for all. If you have a part of you that wants to become someone that you are currently not, or whether that someone is someone that's spiritual, or someone that reads, someone that tries new things, or is patient, it could be a new job title, whatever it is, this is the process to get there. Asking yourself what you're thinking. Have the awareness, accept all of your reality, and start asking yourself questions to create change within your life. I will also add to the believers or the unbelievers, that in addition to the acceptance and the awareness and changing our thinking, another step I would add is to pray to a higher being. So whether that is the universe, whether that is God for me, it's God. But whoever that is for you, if you are more scientific, it will intentionally direct your brain to be open to wisdom. Throughout the day, you will see answers to your questions or your thoughts throughout whatever you had prayed for. I believe this is the Holy Spirit Holy Ghost. But you can also believe it is your own wisdom, your own intuition. I think, you know, for me, they work hand in hand. But if you're not somebody that consistently prays or meditates, I would also incorporate that step into your becoming. So I'm going to leave you with a scripture because I'm Mormon like that. So I am leaving you with James one, five through six. If any of you lack wisdom, aka, why can't I stop yelling at my kids? Let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering for he that wave Earth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed meaning. I am an incredible mom. What three things can I do and think to stop the action of yelling? Alright ladies, you are incredible. You can do hard things. I would love to help you get there. If you are interested. We have group coaching going on that I would love to have you join hit me up on Instagram and I will see you on the inside. If you're ready to drop the all or nothing in your life, then I would be honored to be your life coach. Head over to the modern morman.com To start your journey in becoming the confident authentic and best version of you