The Modern Mormon

The Power Of No

March 03, 2022 Kami Satterlee Season 1 Episode 27
The Power Of No
The Modern Mormon
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The Modern Mormon
The Power Of No
Mar 03, 2022 Season 1 Episode 27
Kami Satterlee

In this episode I talk about what power is. How we can gain power and what actions we can take. I give examples of how I learned to say no and how that simple act has changed my life.

Show Notes Transcript

In this episode I talk about what power is. How we can gain power and what actions we can take. I give examples of how I learned to say no and how that simple act has changed my life.

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You're listening to the modern Mormon, Episode 28. Hey there, I'm kami Satterlee. And I'm the modern Mormon. I'm an Advanced Certified Life coach who's dropped the all or nothing approach to life. And religion. I can't wait to show you how. I've got you, girl. Let's go. What's up everyone, we made it to march. Finally, I feel like we were just in January, though didn't January feel like forever. And then February kind of flew by while we're in March, I couldn't be happier, I feel like I can kind of see a little glimpse of some sunshine. So life is about to get amazing. today's podcast is called the power of No, I thought about this this week, as I have been working on what I really want in life, how do I want to go after that? And how do I even start that so in order to become the person that I want to be, it means that I have to let go of expectations that I have of others, and also the expectations of what I think others want me to be. So in my quest to do this, this whole last year, it has kind of required me to start saying no to things, that's been really hard for me to do. Like, I don't want to do that, especially as a recovering people pleaser. It's not an easy thing to just say notice somebody to truly show up as your authentic self, it can be really difficult. So if you're anything like me, and you have been being a people pleaser, for a really long time, this can be exceptionally hard. So when people talk about the word power, sometimes I feel people can associate it with more of a negative type of thinking. Or they think of negative people or people that have been in power who have done not so great things when they think of the word power. To me, the word power comes from what you want. And not being afraid to go after that. Not being afraid to fail, people that I look at that I feel are powerful are people that have failed again and again. And they've not made it mean anything about who they are, regardless of what other people are saying, regardless of the situation, the circumstance surrounding their failure, it doesn't even matter the fact that they keep going to me that is powerful. So in order to do that, or be that type of a person, you have to say yes to your internal self, when it doesn't want to do certain things. And it means saying no to external things, or when somebody else wants you to do something. If it doesn't align with what you actually want, then it's a hard No. So I actually feel power is not a negative thing per se. In fact, the more power that I establish within myself, the more peace I feel. When we try and force power in an external way, we end up being really manipulative, and we are trying to control everyone around us in an effort to feel a different emotion inside, or to feel what we think is powerful. So what I find for myself, when I do this, is I usually end up feeling the opposite. Usually, in the moment, I feel powerful, but later I then feel weak. And I think that all just stems from not showing up, you know, as your highest and best self. So I was talking to my husband this week, and we were talking about his job. And we were kind of comparing it to others in the real estate business. He has a real estate company. And where he's at right now is he's kind of taking a step back to focus on some of his other passions and his desires in life. But for the past 15 years, he has hustled and he has grinded his way through his business. And he's still working, it's just kind of not at that same pace. We were talking about how he feels really burnt out by his job and through what I teach through coaching, when you're trying to hustle through your job, you become kind of the at the effect of your job, your life becomes at the effect of your job versus deciding ahead of time what you want in life, and then going after that and kind of aligning your job to that. And that creates a more of a steady focused pace. So when you're trying to rush in an attempt to get to a different emotion or a different results, then you'll experience burnout. And that's kind of where my husband is. And so what we were talking about was how other people are so passionate about their business, and they just love going to work every day. And what he saw was the problem with him was that all he wanted was to be home with his family every day. So he was in a rush to make enough passive income. That was his goal so that he didn't have to work so he could be home with his family. Well, that sounds like a great goal. But the problem with that is it's not a why behind it for being at work, right? It's almost doing the opposite and it's pulling him more towards home. So my husband's one of those people that naturally can just I swear he works harder than anybody like he has this crazy Steve energy and his ability to get things done. He creates systems and he's a visionary man. It's just like out of this world. So he has the ability to create power from within himself to take action. But we were talking about how much more He could have accomplished and how much better these last 15 years would have been for him, had he have found that bigger why within his business, his Why was to create a life worth living. That's what he always said. And he's been able to do that for our family financially. Now, however, the process to hitting that goal was doing basically the complete opposite for him personally, where he wasn't creating a life worth worth living for Him every day while he was going to work, because he would work these ungodly hours, he would get up at three, four in the morning, and just grind. But he has this natural ability to accomplish anything he sets out to do. And that's that power within him. And because of that, he's found himself saying yes to opportunities over and over again, versus saying no, because they did not align with his true self, and kind of what he wanted in creating a life worth living. Looking back on it, he said, he probably would have created a life worth living while working to create a life worth living at home, right. And this is what I want to talk about today is the power of No, but I was thinking about this topic, I was looking at my husband. And on one end, he says yes to everything, because he knows he can accomplish it, because he can hustle his way there. And on the flip side, the opposite of that would have been me. And in those last 15 years, I was doing the opposite of what he was doing. I was people pleasing. My life was also not fulfilled, because I was becoming the person that others wanted me to be versus being who I wanted to be. And he wasn't saying no, and neither was I. We both lacked power in our lives, just in different areas and in different ways. But in order for us to say no to the things that were not bringing us everlasting happiness in life, we needed to know who we were, and what we wanted and what we didn't one life. And I don't think that we both knew those two things. We knew some of the goals that we had, we just didn't know kind of the rest the in between who we wanted to become in the process. And how do we have known that it would have been really clear and easy to know, that like, for example, my husband, I don't want to be a person that gets up at three and grinds, he would have scheduled and structured his day to align with his timeframe of when he wanted to work. And when he wanted to turn it off. And I see so many people in society right now, like they can't turn their phones off. It's like a missed opportunity. But what they realize what they don't realize, actually is that every time they answer that call during family time, that also is a missed opportunity, that they would have more success in their business, if they stayed true to their wants, and their desires, versus people pleasing, grinding, hustling, all of that. So in order to cultivate power for yourself, you need to know who you are, you need to know where you're going what you like what you don't like, you need to be living in the future. In order to generate power, you need to know that you are the source of your power. Sometimes we think money brings power, we think like a hierarchy or a position in office. But those are external things. And they may give you some type of control and motivate you in a way but they are not what is cultivating the power. That is not the source of the power, the source comes from the person behind it. So I want you to think about power in your own life. Where does it come from? Where do you feel the most powerful? When I thought about this, for me, personally, my power I feel comes from figuring out my life on my own. It kind of comes from finding the how without asking other people. And by making decisions from a place of I know what's best for me, I know this is the best decision for me. When I was thinking about this, I felt like I find so much power when I show up as my authentic self, especially at times when it's insanely hard to do when I stick to my truth and I'm able to speak freely and say what's on my mind. From a place of love. I feel power. Taking it a step further. When I am being authentic. I also generate power when I'm able to say no to something in a very calm and respectful way. The word no is such a motivator to me. When Steve and I had first moved to Idaho, and we were newlyweds. He had just gotten a job at the fire department. And we were meeting lots of new people and getting couple friends. And I remember he came to me and he told me that he had gotten word that people thought I was too abrasive. That was kind of their perspective of who I was. I found confidence in saying what was on my mind. But when I heard this, like I felt so much shame and humiliation. I thought I was being kind of cool and confident but others took it as arrogant and offensive. And looking back on it. Now I can see that it was mostly all stemmed from just not knowing who I was. I was young and kind of naive. Basically, I was saying things that I had heard growing up naturally I was only 19 years old at the time and kind of adapted the same ideas and decisions based off of my family, my friends, whatever they had said and done I kind of just grew up grabbed on to those and, you know, thought that they were my truths. I remember my mom was saying that she didn't like Oprah, for example. And so I just decided I don't like her either. Looking back on it, I'm kind of like, why wouldn't I like Oprah? She does so much good for the world. She puts so much incredible content out there. That like, why would I take on this idea that she maybe she brags maybe she gloats about her stuff. But why is that a reason not to like her. And how much discomfort and negativity that brought me just by not liking her, somebody I don't even know. But I would say things like this, like, oh, I don't like Oprah in a way that was just so confident. But I can totally see now how that would come off as abrasive and kind of arrogant, especially because it wasn't my own opinion. It was just something that I had just grabbed from my mom growing up. And I don't even know why she said it. Maybe she just said it in a moment. But I just took it as truth like nope, Oprah's bad. So I don't think necessarily the problem was that I was abrasive but more so that I just wasn't my true authentic self. When I would say things it didn't come off as confident it came off as just kind of unknowing and naive. When you don't know who you are, it's easy to conform to those around you. When you have not discovered your truths, it's easy to just kind of go with the flow. So after my husband told me this, in an effort to not be abrasive, I just started people pleasing. And I remember that, I would just kind of go along with the things that people would say mostly, I would go along with probably the most powerful person that was in the room at the time. And I would kind of latch on to what they thought and then adapt those exact same thoughts for myself. A lot of times, that was actually my husband. And so I found myself really people pleasing and doing things that he wanted me to do, or what I thought he wanted me to do in an effort to manipulate him into liking me more. But I felt weak and very uncertain of who I was. Which is also why I had a really hard time finding my purpose or my passion. Because I was being too busy following what my husband wanted me to do, and other people versus just taking action and doing what I wanted to do. Trying to discover what I wanted to do was an actual process that took a lot of time. And it was a lot of hard work. It's hard to decondition the thoughts and actions that you've been taking on for years and years. After going to Life Coach School, it was a huge adjustment in my marriage. And it still can be from time to time, because I no longer people, please, my husband is not used to this new version of me. And when I say no to something, it kind of throws them off a bit. I feel like society also puts a lot of pressure on women to say yes, or to go with the flow, we're kind of told that we need to be kind and sweet. And it feels unkind and unsweet to cause controversy or opposition. Especially in your marriage. In the LDS church, we're taught that your husband is the head of the house. And sometimes I think that we can kind of get this idea that that means that we need to be obedient, we get confused with we must obey and be and do everything our husband wants us to, even if it means putting ourselves to the side. This creates resentment and discontent in a marriage. It does not create unity and love like we truly desire. In previous podcasts, I've talked about allowing everyone in your life to be exactly who they are without any expectation that they need to be any different. But this also includes you when you can allow yourself to truly be yourself and let everyone else experience whatever emotion comes up for them. That is true power. It's also true peace, when you can stop trying to manipulate people into liking you. And instead focus on whether you like you or not. This is when you can establish true love for yourself and also love for other people. So I have this friend who recently had a baby girl and every time and I'm not even exaggerating, every time that we would get together. individually or as couples, she would ask me if I wanted to hold her baby. And every time I would say yes, and I would hold her baby. And then I realized after this happening again and again that I was starting to not want to hang out with them. And when my husband would want to get together as couples, I would find excuses and reasons why I didn't want to go. And what I finally realized when I was trying to figure this out for myself was I didn't want to go because of something so simple. I didn't want to hold her baby girl. for over 10 years, I held babies to the point where my right bicep is so much larger than my left one. All I could fantasize in those moments when I was momming so hard was that my kids would reach a point when I no longer had to hold them at parties and events and everywhere I went. What's so funny about this is that when I was a mom because I did not like holding babies like not once did I ever say will you hold my baby like I was so crazy about not having other people help because I knew how much I did not like holding babies. And I never wanted to put that burden on somebody else because I knew I just totally didn't like it. babies are cute. Yes. I love examining them from afar, but have you ever turned down holding a baby. If you've ever been put in a scenario when somebody asked you to hold their baby, have you ever said no. For some reason, this was something that I could not for the life of me do. I could not be my true authentic self and tell her, I don't want to hold your baby. Please don't ask me to hold your baby. I don't like babies. Because it just sounds awful, right? Who doesn't want to hold babies? I don't, apparently. So I would continue to do this again and again. And I would come home feeling miserable and annoyed and frustrated, because I wasn't being authentic. The thing is, I really love this girl. I love hanging out with her so much that was absolutely crazy that this experience was keeping me from like having a great time with her, it was interfering in our friendship. So after a lot of coaching, I finally came to a thought that I was ready to use the next time we were together. So she asked me to hold her baby. And I simply said, I prefer not to. And then I felt the emotion of worry for a hot second, followed by a solid emotion of complete power. When you show up authentic and then allow everyone else to feel and think however they want about that authenticity. That is true power, saying no meant I could enjoy myself because I was being myself. And it also gave her permission to be herself. Had I have said yes. That would have meant being upset with her. So she wasn't upset with me. Sometimes we feel it's hard to say no, when it's an act of like an act of service. We're sort of taught that we should serve others, and then we'll feel good. But guess what, if you're serving from obligation, you are creating resentment. Sometimes, even though we don't want to do something, and we can still make the choice that we're going to do it anyways. And that's different, compromising in a marriage sticking to our commitments, or even sometimes service a lot of times if we are in a funk, and we understand that we don't physically want to go serve somebody. But we also know that we will feel good once we do it, we can direct and guide our brain to kind of decide, you know, we may not like this in the moment, but I'm choosing to do this, just that small shift of deciding that you're the one making the choice can help direct your emotions to have a more positive result for you. I recently got my very first calling as a young woman's advisor. And three months in I quickly realized that this was not aligning with where I was mentally or spiritually in life. I stuck with it because I really wanted to get curious if this was my own discomfort and trying something new or if this really was something that I did not want to be doing. I quickly realized that if I did not ask to be released that I would not be lining up with my inner self like my highest and best self, I did not want to half ass as calling as the 12 year old girls, I felt deserved an advisor who was committed to them. But I asked to be released. And I shared the story with a friend. She felt a sense of fear. And also kind of curiosity when I told her the story. She so badly wanted to be released from her calling, but had also been told you never turn down a calling. Like how many of you have been told that? Have you heard that growing up like you never turned down a calling? From my personal experience, when somebody takes away your option of No, the actions you take will not be stemmed from a positive emotion, that thought was not serving her. And it also is a thoughts probably not serving anyone, to be honest. So she decided to actually stick with her calling. But what my story did do was inspired her to understand and figure out why she wasn't happy within her calling. She wasn't happy because it was a lot of work for her and where she was in life. So instead of quitting, she asked the bishop if she could have a companion that worked with her. And that solves the problem also solved the problem is you never, you know quit a calling that probably helped to get rid of that thought as well. She said no to continuing on alone. And she said yes to figuring out her future self. We generate our power in the decisions that we make. Decisions are just a thought that we are committed to. So in order to know what you're committed to you have to know. And you'll have to have the awareness of what you're thinking and creating in your lives. We have to know what we're currently doing in order to know whether we want to be making that decision and continue on with that. Or if we want to say No, I'm done. I don't like the idea of quitting. I don't like the idea of just stopping something because it's uncomfortable. So instead of saying just No, no, no all the time. I like this idea of I'm saying no to this and yes to this, whatever that may be. It's no to what I'm currently doing and my present moment and yes to this future of who I'm becoming. And I feel like by doing this, this helps us to continually evolve and question constantly question the things we're doing the things we're thinking and the things that we want to be doing and who are becoming just like me and holding the baby. A lot of times we say yes, because we're terrified of the criticism that other people are going to give us their thoughts about us. But when we can show up within a surety of ourselves, we can embrace their criticism, we can learn from it, we can decide whether we're going to put meaning to it, or if it matters to just filter it out. And it's growth for both of us. It's growth, for us to be able to say, I'm sorry, you feel that way. I love you. And no, we get this idea that by saying no, it's the opposite of being kind, it's the opposite of love. But truly, it is love, when we aren't showing people who we really are. And we're allowing them to make their own decisions on whether they like that or not. That is pure love. That is pure acceptance. And when you can do the same for other people, which is usually the case when you can start to say yes, and show up as your true authentic self. What it does is it allows for them to do the same. And you are almost more okay with everything around you. You're okay with people being different, you're okay with things not going according to plan, you stop trying to manipulate people into liking you, you stop trying to control them and have these expectations of them. Because you know, that you got you you have your own back. That's where the confidence lies. That's where the power lies. When you don't know those things about yourself, when you don't have your own back. You're basically saying, I want you to like me and accept me because I don't like and accept me. So where in your life? Are you saying? Yes. When you really mean no. Where in your life? Are you wanting to say no, but you're afraid to it took me a long time to come up with a sentence of I prefer not to when I was talking about holding her baby. But it I mean, it takes a while it takes playing around with these thoughts. It takes practicing them like I I remember sitting there doing my hair impressed, practicing and like role playing, saying this to her face and how I would feel and how I thought she would feel and the emotions that would come up. And it was like humiliation and worry and fear and everything. But the more that I played around with it, the more power I felt, the more true it felt to me and the more I was able to just allow it, relax into it. So that when the time came, it was just super simple. I do a lot of coaching with women, and on relationships. And a lot of times it comes down to things really similar to this where it requires either a boundary or for them to truly act and say the things that they feel, and it can be difficult to do. But when I can help one of my clients overcome this, I just watched them and there's so much growth. And not only that is I also watch the relationship that they have with a certain person become better, it becomes real, instead of this pretend relationship where everyone is walking on eggshells, I love you and know, is one of the most powerful sentences to use. I use this in my relationship with my husband, I use it in my relationship with my children. And I love this I love starting it with I love you. And I also love me is basically what you're saying when you say no, it's I know who I am. And I'm okay with you being you, which I want to just kind of reconfirm to you that I do love you that my decision to say no, has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me. When we are saying yes, when we mean no, we're giving our power away to that other person. We're basically afraid we're acting in fear of being ourselves. And so we would rather just smooth it over and give them what they want. forces trying to control people and manipulate them in this world. But power true power is creating yourself in your own world mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, the more that you can understand that the things outside of you the things that are external, the things of the world, people what they say what they do, when you can understand that they are not creating your experience. And you truly have the awareness of that, that you are creating everything in your life, that your thoughts are creating your emotions, which are driving your actions and getting you your results in life, your feelings from somebody else that doesn't happen from what they say. It's what you make it mean all of that. When you can fully have the awareness of that, then you have all the power in the world, that nothing can actually hurt you. Nothing can cause you to feel any emotion that you have all the control there. Then you understand that you hold all the power. It all starts with knowing who you are, what you want, where you're going, and whether what you're doing currently is aligning with that or not. And if not start saying yes to those things and saying no to the other thing. If you're ready to drop the all or nothing in your life, then I would be honored to be your life coach. Head over to the modern mormon.com To start your journey in becoming the confident authentic and best version of you