In this episode I talk all about how to discover our true dreams and desires. How to make those desires turn into goals and how to achieve them. The steps to goal setting and the purpose behind why it's important.
You are listening to the modern Mormon, Episode 27. Hey there, I'm kami Satterlee. And I'm the modern Mormon. I'm an Advanced Certified Life coach who's dropped the all or nothing approach to life, and religion. I can't wait to show you how. I've got you, girl. Let's go. Hello, hello beautiful souls. I hope you're having the greatest week ever so far. And if not, I hope you keep listening. Because today's episode is for you. We're talking about goals today. So I love the topic of goals. This is such a great conversation piece that I love to dive into, kind of whenever I'm meeting somebody new or catching up with old friends, I love to hear what people are working towards in their life. And it's so funny because I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and saying how my friendships that I want and I desire and kind of cling to are those with people who are constantly trying to become better. They don't spend their days necessarily gossiping, or kind of venting, or, you know, hating certain parts of their life, they're just always kind of future focused. And so I find it kind of just exciting to talk about goals. It's like reinvigorating to say it out loud and confirm to yourself that you're committed to do something and then to share it with somebody else, it can be super motivating, to hear kind of what they're doing, and then deciding if that's something that you want to take on in your own life. As human beings, I feel we have this natural need, and pull towards becoming and achieving, just evolving all around, we'd like to have things that we're working towards otherwise, we tend to feel stuck in our life. What I've noticed, especially for stay at home moms like myself, and probably you if you're listening is that usually our goals revolve around our needs that we aren't fulfilling in our lives, we tend to always be trying to lose weight, get in shape, do more spiritual things. Like for me, it's more consistent scripture reading prayer, I just want to take more action in all these different areas of my life. So another one would be like, read more books, use your phone less, be more present with your kids, I find a lot of these goals tend to be areas that we feel we need to be a little better in, like everyone would benefit if we could just get our crap together. What I noticed with coaching women, when I asked them, What are your dreams, like what do you fantasize about, they have a really hard time answering that they kind of start with I don't know, right? That's our typical response to everything. And what we know from I don't know is that it blocks our ability to know, I feel in our society, if you aren't a career based woman, then your job is kind of more to take care of others if you're a woman. And even if you are a career based woman, your job is still to take care of others, right? We as women, that's kind of our you know, nurture, and protect and to teach. So when we think of our deepest desires, it's like our brain shuts it off in an effort to protect our emotions. Like that's a lovely fantasy. Now back to work doing laundry. When women have a hard time telling me in a perfect world, I would do and I would be blank, whatever that is, I tell them to kind of go to that dark place in their life, where they felt what I call the human void. This is when you feel so low that you have thoughts like I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be here, what am I doing with my life? I feel like I should be doing something more. It's those quiet moments when you're just kind of sick of doing the mundane, daily tasks that you do. And you just pause and have this moment of what am I doing truly, like, what am I doing? And when you're living life doing all of these things that you constantly tell yourself, you don't want to be doing. But it's important to be doing, then you're kind of at the effect of your life. And how does that feel? To me it feels very out of control. And it's kind of a battle of back and forth of I should be doing this because this is what good mother's good wife's do. But I also don't want to be doing this. I feel like there's more for me out there. So in these dark moments is kind of where my brain starts to go to Fantasyland and I start thinking about like my Cinderella relationships, you know, where Prince Charming is basically doing everything opposite of your, whatever your husband's doing. Or you have like this dream job, where you're sitting in an amazing office with a glass windows and on top of a huge building downtown city. Like for me, that's what my Daydream was and I was like wearing a blazer and a skirt and heels. That was it for me like that was the complete fantasy life. And in my regular life, I felt stuck like I had no purpose aside from serving my family, and I just felt unfulfilled. Something was missing and I knew that but I kept saying like, I don't know, I don't know what it is I can't figure it out. So when I imagined this fairy tale, kind of go into this land of me in this office kind of making money feeling successful, I started to notice that that fantasy was the complete opposite of what I was actually doing. It felt out of reach, and also really scary. Like, I didn't want to look at it. I had this thought that if I was that, then I couldn't be a mom and a wife and all the things that I love so much, it was like polar opposite of what my current life was. And so it felt wrong. What this fantasy showed me though, was that I had a desire to grow, I wanted to be knowledgeable in an area, and I wanted to be passionate about something, I wanted to dress nice and have a space of my own. And I wanted to work by myself and help people and make money. And I wanted to be able to call myself a success, because I was doing the things that felt in line with who I was. So I started writing an entire list of all of my wants a lot from this fantasy place. So I was describing my perfect life from what I wanted my mornings to look like, to what I wanted my relationship with my husband to look like my career, my body, my relationship with my kids like everything. And this is such a powerful practice to do, because what it does is it shows you your deepest desires. So my brain wanted to shy away from this and not allow the thoughts or emotions that came up. Because it was scary, it felt like I wasn't truly living into that and into those desires and wants and almost like I was somewhat of our fraud. But at the same time, I still wanted to be a stay at home mom. So it was kind of this back and forth emotion going on. And it really blocked my brain when I was trying to write out what I actually wanted. So when you do this exercise, there's a part of you that feels if you put it out there, you think that thought like, oh, shoot, I'll have to take action on this. So your brain totally wants to prevent you from doing that. Because it's scary. This comes from a lack of confidence, where if you don't take action on it, you will beat yourself up and call yourself a failure. So what we do is we kind of wish it away, like I don't even want to bring it to the front of my mind, in fear that I will either have to do something about it, or I'll have to feel discomfort, uncertainty and fear by stepping out of my comfort zone and doing the opposite. And we don't want to be a failure. So we don't want to take those steps either. I told myself, I just wanted to tell myself the truth. So I kind of made it a little bit more, you know, neutral in my brain, not so much fearful on either end. And nothing about that meant that I needed to take action on it. So when I was writing it out, it made it just so much easier. Knowing none of this means anything about me, I don't have to do anything that I say I want to do, it doesn't mean anything, I just want to look at it. As I was reading this list, I also noticed a lot of things I wanted that I already had. I found that super fascinating. So I wanted to be married, I wanted to have four kids, I wanted to have a home and love where I live, I wanted to keep taking vacations, and I wanted to still be able to stay be a stay at home mom and show up for my kids when they need me. When writing out your wants, including things that you already have can be such a confidence booster and pursuing your future goals. It shows your brain that you're capable of getting and working towards the things that you desire. It shows that those things that you thought you couldn't obtain, like years ago, you now have them and therefore the things on your list that you can desire can also be yours in your future. So I wrote up my list. And as I looked at it, I realized that these dreams I gave up on when I became a wife and a mom. For some reason us moms believe that in order to be the best stay at home mom, that means that we can't be anything else. We can have like little side hustles here and there. And I did that for many years, I had a dance studio, I did spray tans for my house, all of these little businesses that were fulfilling, and kept me happy in the moment. And they were actually perfect while I was raising young kids. But there was still a part of me that felt that there was a void like I was not reaching my full potential. Because our deepest, darkest, impossible goals are just too far fetched. This Lie we tell ourselves keeps us from becoming the well rounded, all encompassing incredible women that we are designed to be. When I say designed, I believe that we were put on this earth for a reason. So I think that we, you know are here to learn to become to evolve to inspire, to teach a big ones to fail, grow. And none of that can happen if our days are spent checking boxes, wiping buckets, cooking food and staying safe. The thought era that we use is I'm doing the most fulfilling job in the world, right? How many times have you said that? Heard that? had people say that to you. But then deep down, you don't really believe that? Because there's a part of you that thinks I should be doing more. Our husbands don't always believe that either. And they don't always respect that position that we carry as mom. Our kids don't eat our dinners. They throw their crap on the floor that we just claimed and they don't take our advice as teenagers. And somehow we decide it's because we aren't doing enough for them. But what if it's all because we aren't doing enough for us? What if we're too involved, too available too focused on perfection and making their life so amazing, and great meanwhile, dreading our own. Now, don't get me wrong. Like I said before, in my list of dreams, I want to be a stay at home mom. But I didn't only want that I didn't want to feel like if I did something else that meant I would drop the ball as a stay at home mom. But I've noticed as women, we tend to think that, that for some reason, if we go pursue our, our dreams, and we, you know, go back to school, or if we get that dream career and job, somehow, we're going to miss out on our kids. And I've really thought about that throughout the years. And I actually had that thought myself when I was going back to school. But what I noticed was, the more that I took care of me, the more I was able to take care of them in a better way, the more I was able to show up for them. So when it comes to our goal setting, writing out all of your wants, desires and dreams is super important to do first, included in all that is the wants that you currently have. And that will get your mind in an abundance mindset. And this is super important. Because like I noticed when we, when I went to go set goals, I typically was doing it from a scarcity mindset, like I was lacking something. And anytime we go to hit a goal, the reason we're doing it or not doing it is because we want to feel a certain emotion. So we think that once we hit that goal, it will then solve all of our problems, and we will feel all the emotions that we're seeking. But have you ever hit a goal and then had the thought it's not enough? This is because if the brain does not come with us in the process of hitting our goals, and we will still feel that scarcity, or that lack of being enough, even after, or if we ever do reach the goal. So this is why an abundance mindset is so important. Being able to accept allow and truly appreciate and love your life as it is right now is the most important piece in pursuing your goals. Knowing that you will not be any better after you actually reach the goal itself. And that it's just going to be different, it's going to be a different set of problems, a different set of you know, things that you need to step out of your comfort zone and overcome life will still be 50% amazing and 50% not so amazing. So understanding this is what is going to actually get you to become the person that you want to and get you to achieve the goal. Because that's what goal setting is, it's not truly about the goal itself. It's about who are you becoming in the process of achieving that goal. So when I go to start my goal setting, and after that I've written all of my wants and desires out, I then take one big goal, so one that to me feels kind of impossible, really far fetched. And that becomes what I call an outcome goal. And outcome goal is a goal that you're hoping to achieve, but it's something that is not entirely in your control. So for example, if you wanted to get a certain job promotion, or you wanted to make a million dollars or run a marathon, there's that that would be an example of an outcome goal. Those are things that, you know, are not entirely in your control if you reach them. So for example, you know, if something came up, you broke your leg, you wouldn't be able to run the marathon. And if something, you know, you had a job transfer, and suddenly that promotion was not available, or, you know, making a million dollars, there's a bunch of things that can come up job changes, you know, whatever it is, there's things that can come up that could kind of interfere with that. So that is not entirely in your control. However, that does not mean that we did not still go after the goal itself. So I like to have one or two outcome goals that I'm really striving to achieve. Like those are the ones that I'm going to work and work and work towards. And those are the big goals. And then I like to have what I call behavioral goals. And these are what we do or do not do to achieve the outcome goal. So if you are wanting to get a certain job promotion, it would be things like study that field, read a ton of books become an expert, apply an interview for, you know, every promotion to kind of gain experience. If it's running a marathon, it would be running five times per week, six to 10 miles, make a million dollars, it would be something like, you know, acquire this many clients and invest, you know, the money in this many different areas. Okay, those are behavioral goals. Those are ones that are in our control. So when we go to do a behavioral goal, our brain will sort of push back on it and say, Oh, no, no, we don't know how to do this. Let's not even try. And when you are running out the behavioral goals like I don't want you to think about the how in that that is where we usually go that's where your brain wants to go so that it can easily shut it down. We don't know the how we never will know the how in that moment. It actually doesn't even matter. Right then just listing the things that we think we would need to do to obtain the big outcome goal that we are seeking. That's the important part of you know, writing out behavioral goals. The idea Is that even if something comes up and you don't hit your outcome goal, you're still moving forward and you're still moving in a direction of becoming who you want to be our brain in this process, it loves to get to overwhelm, where we don't take any action. This is just too much stuff, I can't do it. There's too many, you know, behavioral goals, it's overwhelming. And then we never reach, you know, our outcome goal. And we like to just kind of assume that we there's too many things, and we're going to drop the ball and all these other areas if we even try and go for it. So it's so fascinating to notice what your brain comes up with when you are trying to pursue something to better yourself. Failure is the most important part of achieving our goals. Yet our brain shies away from it. If we are afraid to fail, then we're not going to take action. And if we don't take action, then we aren't going to become the people that we want to be. When it comes to behavioral goals, I know that my brain is hella smart, and it's going to tell me things are too hard, it's going to tell me don't even try, you're not capable of it. And that happens, usually when I start to take action on any of them. Because of this, I love to plan for all the obstacles that are going to come up. So next to every behavioral goal, I will also write down all the things that my brain will come up with to get me to stop all these different thoughts. And then I like to list all the strategies that I will use or the new thoughts that I will incorporate to overcome these obstacles. This is so important in the planning process, because that's usually what gets us to fail or quit in the first place. It's our brain telling us that we can't do it. If you plan ahead and are onto your brain, then none of those excuses are going to work. And if they do, at least you have the awareness that you're not lying to yourself. So when you do quit, if that's the case, you understand that you're choosing to quit. That's not because it wasn't possible. The next part is committing to believing in yourself and your ability to achieve this goal. So important. Most people don't allow themselves to believe until after they've actually reached the goal. But that's the problem. And kind of the reason that we end up quitting and not hitting our goals is that we're taught to take action to get a result. And when you get that result, then the feeling will come. That's what the world tells us. But I like to teach that you get the feeling first, you decide what you're going to think ahead of time because if you get the feeling first, that's more likely to get you the result that you want. Because you're going to be so committed in believing in yourself, that you might not have a full belief necessarily, but using words like it's possible that I can figure this out or everything is figured out double is more likely to get you the results you want and build your confidence in the process. So by the time that you do hit your goal, you're not even, like you don't even have that great of a feeling because you've been feeling it the entire time. Every time you overcome a challenge, you feel that emotion of success, you feel that emotion of commitment. So the world says action result, then the feeling, but I say feeling then the action, then the result. Another huge error that people make in goal setting is that they get so fixated on the fantasy land, imagining part of what it will be like once they actually achieve the goal that they actually forget to start taking action to achieve the goal. I call it goal lust. But that's where managing your brain comes in. And you need to take action to achieve the goal. So it's uncomfortable. It's not fun, your brain wants to fight and tell you that you need to know the how first before you can take the action. And none of that is true. After my fantasyland experience, I realized I wanted to be educated I knew I wanted to go into a career path of counseling or some type of area of helping people. So when I found life coaching, I knew it was my calling. I knew it was 100% my purpose, I knew that because I had taken the time to dream and write out my dreams, and then go into detail about what part of those dreams I actually was after which part I actually desired. And then how I could make that my reality. Those became my outcome goals. And then my my, you know, behavioral goals, the ones that the smaller goals that make up the outcome goal. So I signed up for school and every week in school, I felt like I was going to throw up literally every week, we had to show up, I had to step out of my comfort zone, I had to coach in front of entire class. And I didn't know what I was doing. It was a failure every single week. In school, we learned how to fail. Like I learned that and I learned how to feel humiliation, and how to just keep going how to set bigger goals for myself. And I also learned that it's not scary to fail. Once you do it so much you realize it's not that big of a deal. And you can do that emotion. In the beginning my very first class I remember saying I just want to learn this. I don't necessarily need it to be a career. Like I'm a stay at home mom and that's my number one. I still kind of had that to protect me. And I was saying it to kind of keep me safe. My brain wanted to not set too high of expectations because I was afraid I would have to take action on it. And then what would happen if I didn't make money in this business? What would that mean about me, right? So by the end, though I was ready. And all of those old thoughts for so long gone, and I knew I would be 100% capable of doing and achieving anything I wanted to, I knew I could handle failure, I knew I could be an incredible coach, I just could not wait to get going and to get coaching. Managing my brain along the way, is what really has gotten me to where I'm at, where I have a full calendar of clients. And I absolutely love what I do. I love getting up. I love coaching. So I had a friend asked me the other day if I felt fulfilled in my life, and I said, 100%, this was the missing piece, which is so fascinating because being a life coach has not made me any less of a mom, despite what my brain said it would, I know showing up is like honestly going to get me better results in all the other areas of my life, when I can take care of the parts of me that make me feel that fulfillment and help me take action and continue on with my purpose. I now show up better than I ever have for my kids. Because when I show up, I want to be there. I don't feel the need to people, please, my husband, my kids, I don't feel the need to check boxes, I don't even try and get my kids to perform in a certain way or do what I want them to do necessarily, like I understand feelings and emotions, and I'm able to manage my brain around those choices in my life. Being able to do things for me has allowed me to show up and do the things for them like that I necessarily didn't like before. But now it's not even that big of a deal. So things like cooking, cleaning, like all of that, despite the fact that I still don't necessarily love them. It's still a part of me that I still want to do and become and achieve. When I'm working with women in coaching and they say everything's great in my life, I have no problems. I know that they aren't setting enough difficult goals in their life. Goals that push them, make them reach, have them taking enough action that scares them, where you're almost afraid to wake up in the morning because you know the do goals or the behavioral goals, I call them do goals sometimes that you've set for yourself. And the discomfort that you're about to feel can feel almost paralyzing. But having a quest in mind and knowing that failure is possible, not only possible, but it's part of the progress to success, that if you aren't failing daily, then you aren't stretching yourself enough. And knowing this, I get up every day and I do it, I do the things. Despite the uncomfortable feeling that I you know, am terrified to feel. Sometimes as moms, we tell ourselves that everything is fine in an attempt to avoid taking action and expanding our possibilities. Staying small is comfortable, we say hidden, we stay content. Sometimes we can even stay in gratitude and use that positive emotion to consume us and have us avoiding taking risks. It feels secure, safe, and it feels like we're in control and knowing how to do every single task and the parts that make up our life. But then we have the days where we longed for more. While doing the mundane tasks every day. There's a part of us that thinks what am I doing was I seriously put on this earth to just serve everybody else and pick up toys and all of these things that I'm doing in my daily life is there more for me or is this it, those tasks actually become enjoyable and fun. When you're using other areas in your life for growth. You become exhausted feeling uncomfortable emotion in the pursuit of your dreams that you will long to do the tasks that take hardly any effort or brain power. This is why goal setting is so important. When we use our prefrontal brain to become who we desire, we can reserve the primitive brain or the one that runs more on like unconscious habitual habits to get the simple tasks done that we dread. This makes our life fulfilling. This has us constraining to specific actions throughout the day, where we are hyper focused and scheduled and we are committed to our results and ourselves. When you know the direction in your life, and you're actively working towards an impossible dream, the possibility of it is greater than any comfortable emotion that you will feel when you hit your pillow at night. After a day's long, hard work. staying committed and honoring yourself and your life. The emotion you experience is success. It is amazing. It doesn't take hitting your outcome goal to experience that emotion it takes overcoming your lower brain again and again. pushing past the comfort into the world of discomfort and unknown. Suddenly that I don't know is become I can't wait to learn. I can't wait to figure this out. What else can I discover? And then failure becomes easy. And you start looking for ways to experience it because it gives you the opportunity to have your own back and experience and build confidence. When it comes to goals. Being ready to answer your brain when it tells you to quit is the most important part. Most people don't ever keep going they quit and they quit on their goals again and again. Their brain is so smart and says the right thing and every time that they do this they are less likely to To achieve their goals, or their future goals, because their brain has been gaining evidence that they're not capable of it because they quit. Perfectionism kind of plays a huge role in this. And in achieving achieving your goals for some reason, we expect things to go according to our expectations. This is where planning for the obstacles is key, using each unmet expectation as an opportunity to say, oh, that didn't work. What else can I do? Or what else can I think in order to, you know, stay committed to this? I know for me, I have used being tired as the greatest excuse for quitting. It's a sneaky thought because it physically feels true. When you believe the thought, I'm just so tired, you become tired. I've used this excuse for working out getting up early, going to bed on time getting out of sex, not taking action in the day, like I'm just too tired, I needed it arrest. Which guess what that leads to more and more rest and pretty soon we're tired from being tired. So pay attention to your brain, become the watcher of it. Get curious with your desires to not make goals, not take action and quit before you're completed. You were meant for more. You're born to achieve greatness. If gifts and talents that are waiting to be used and experienced and you have a purpose on this earth, one that will be an inspiration to so many. It starts with a dream becomes a wish than a possibility, a goal and someday and unbelievable results. The best advice I ever received about my goals was to start today. Don't wait until it's all aligned perfectly. Don't wait till you know you have that motivation inside. Start taking action. Take a small action in that direction. Set aside time to plan the rest but keep moving, keep failing, keep pursuing and keep becoming. If you're ready to drop the all or nothing in your life, then I would be honored to be your life coach. Head over to the modern mormon.com To start your journey and becoming the confident authentic and best version of you